THE HARD TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN': BOB DYLAN SELLS PEPSI OLD REPETITIVE HEADLINES NO LONGER FUNNY WORLD GETS BACK TO DISREGARDING HOCKEY OLYMPICS 2010: VANCOUVER LUGE COURSE FOUND "TOO INTENSE" FOR GEORGIAN ATHLETES SARAH PALIN RENOUNCES RELIGION, OPENS HAND FOR STRENGTH SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCE VALENTINE'S DAY IS 'DEPRESSING' UPSTART YOUR OWN CCCP! LEBAL DROCER SCRAMBLES TO COVER UP MULTINATIONAL HEALTH DISASTER DICK CHENEY: HAITI CRISIS 'BROUGHT ON BY FLAGRANT NON-AMERICANISM' WOMEN MEASURE LOVE BY ITS DESTRUCTION VICTIM IN MILEY CYRUS BUS CRASH TRAGICALLY NOT MILEY CYRUS DEBUT ROCK BAND WHO NEVER PLAYS SHOWS ENJOYS CULT FOLLOWING OF SILENCE FANS INTERNET COLLAPSES INTO "BLACK HOLE OF PORN" NASA UNVEILS NEW PLAN TO STAY ON EARTH FOREVER, ENTITLED "WAR" AXL ROSE SEEKS WIFE WHO 'ENJOYS BEATINGS, ANAL RAPE' 90% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT HAS THEIR 'BEST INTERESTS IN MIND' THE SKY, IT CALLS TO US, IF WE DO NOT DESTROY OURSELVES IT IS NO LONGER SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO YELL OUT 'PARTY FOUL' RUSSIA AND U.S. AGREE: NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST 'ONLY WAY OUT' KEITH RICHARDS 'STILL ALIVE' AT AGE 65 NO, YOU CAN NOT BUM A CIG AMERICAN VOTERS DISCOVER 'EVEN BLACK' PRESIDENTS ARE CORRUPT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF NON-AMERICANS THOUGHT TO BE 'IMMIGRATION THREAT' LOCAL RADIO STATION FAILS TO GET THE LED OUT FOLLOWING TWO-FOR-TUESDAYS LETDOWN SOME WOMEN NEVER LEARN GOD TO 'CONSIDER MAN'S INPUT' FOR NEXT GENESIS LIGHTNING STUDY SHOWS 98% OF AMERICANS ARE 'GROSSLY UNDER-PATRIOTIC' WAR ON DRUGS OVER: FBI WINS NANCY GRACE RATED MOST-WATCHED, ONLY NIGHTTIME SHOCK-TV SERIES PRAVDA.RU BORROWS ELF WAX TIMES REPORTING TACTICS, SOARS TO SUCCESS BARACK OBAMA LEAVES GOLF TO FIX MARRIAGE UNEMPLOYMENT AMONG VAGRANTS PLATEAUS AT 100% RICHMOND, VA DECLARED 'WORLD'S MOST IRRELEVANT CITY' 70% OF ELF WAX TIMES VIEWERS REPORT THE SITE IS 'SAFE, READABLE' LITTLE CAESAR'S PIZZA DISCOVERED TO CONTAIN 'NO FOOD-LIKE SUBSTANCES' TAMIFLU-RESISTANT STRAIN OF SWINE FLU CONFIRMS INTELLIGENT DESIGN THEORIES

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Scientists report Earth could die any day now

Posted on 03 August 2009 by Kilgore Trout

There is the extremely unlucky event whereupon the Earth may drop into a black hole and be wiped from existence in a blink of an eye.  Perhaps the chances of drifting into the path of a singularity are small, but the possibility surely exists. Nothing in science says this can’t happen.

gamma-ray-burst-challenges-theory_4At some point the center of our galaxy will implode on itself, releasing a gamma ray burst that will irradiate and destroy all life on all stars in the Milky Way. It’s a sure thing that this will be the eventual death of all life in the galaxy. Allegedly, this isn’t supposed to happen for an extremely long time. What do those scientists know about collapsing super-massive black holes anyway? For all they know, it could take exactly 3 more stars and the center of our galaxy would overload and kill us with gamma radiation.

impactA huge meteor or comet could smash us all to bits. It will happen sometime, and maybe sometime really soon. It might happen right when you stop reading this sentence. It happened to the dinosaurs and it is bound to happen at some point simply because the probability exists.

An advanced alien race could have engineered our planet for themselves when their home planet dies.  Finding us in our greed and war crazed state, they eliminate us summarily with Super AIDS. Aliens are far too advanced for any other primitive kind of weapon, including a nuclear bomb. To them, killing humanity would be no more than a quick game of Pandemic 2.

The Universe could be a simulation from a computer-like system in a more complicated universe.  Some scientists and philosophers give this a moderate likelihood. If this is true, then within that likelihood exists the chance that the computer-like system could be destroyed, or our process ended. Some weird super being could just ctrl+alt+delete and everything that ever was would be data lost forever.

july4The chances against a nuclear holocaust are very slim.  In fact, it rests completely upon the chances that humanity dies in one of the aforementioned disasters first. A nuclear weapon could feasibly detonate at any position on any part of the globe and at any point in time. Your house might be ground zero. In fact, you better hope your house is ground zero because in a nuclear apocalypse the dead are the only people who will not suffer. Of all these events, this is by far the most horrific and most likely.

With the combination of all the probabilities for different known cataclysms, the Earth is on its very last leg.  Each day is one day closer, and one way or another, the day might come tomorrow.

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Diet Advice from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Posted on 26 June 2008 by Kilgore Trout


Hey, what’s up fellow Dudes! So totally check this new diet I’ve worked out for the modern man. I even did some math and stuff to make sure it’s completely healthy.

  1. First thing’s first-drink a TON of energy drinks. The caffeine really kicks your metabolism up a notch!
  2. To cancel out all those nasty carbs make sure to fast at least once a week for at least 10 hours. It’s easier than you think, if you just get in a real lazy mindset.
  3. Every now and then it is totally okay to completely gorge yourself on food way more than you should. You know what I mean.
  4. Beer=Yummy for your Tummy

-BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR FRIENDS AT LEBAL DROCER INCORPORATED-

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