I haven’t visited the Elf Wax control panel in so long, my cookies didn’t “remember me.”

So I imagine a lot of you are like shitting your pants, OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ELF WAX, well you know some of us have better shit to do than sit around jacking off to other people’s websites.

And that’s precisely what we’ve been doing – jacking off to other people’s websites. More specifically, we’ve been jacking off to Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor-un-elect Sarah Palin’s FOX internet updates, which can be found at FOX’s website, under their internet updates section, which is soon to be renamed “Sarah Palin XXX HORSE BUM PISS *****SCAT **** FUCK ****CLICK HERE******”

I wonder who she voted for?

So the government’s coming out to play, has anyone noticed? America’s putting ten thousand troops onto Haitian soil and blocking off their shoreline, because everyone knows they’ll boom straight for America seeking Visas. I didn’t think credit cards were in such high demand. Who knew? Haitians must love debt or else they wouldn’t  come to us.

The BBC headline reads “US troops step up Haiti efforts.” Effort toward what, exactly? Haiti’s fucked, man. They need help. And we’re helping them – with guns. Fuck yeah. “Eat, bitch, or I will shoot you.” Yeah, we brought food, too.

And we’re still bringing food, so Haiti can’t be as hungry for food as we are for Truth here at The Elf Wax Times. So who’s really being more selfish, here? We don’t get any thank-you’s for exploiting a natural disaster only to scrounge up a healthy offering of PCP-laced truth.

The photos you are about to see here are taken directly from pimpin09’s web site. Haiti after the earthquake is in horrible shape. There is no clean water. There is no good place to live besides a tent. There is no food, there are no establishments, their worthless money is about as meaningful in the end as their voodoo traditions of sacrifice (but they don’t know it yet), and there is no system.

What isn’t well-known, however, is that Haiti has always been this way. Even though it’s killing lots, the earthquake changed little.

A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fire

Before the earthquake, Haitians lived under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to pin it back up.

Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.

Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat to some Voodoo god (and then eat it)

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Ed. Note: Readers, DO NOT FEAR. Unlike our God, Voodoo gods are not real.

So what exactly is our responsibility to these people? OK, sure, let’s help them bulldoze corpses into a hole, airdrop some shit and get the fuck out. But soon, thanks to airdrop technology perfected by Infinity Ward, the Haitians will eat better than even I can afford, and I’m a rich CEO at Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. And this country has always lacked an infrastructure. They’ve never had a sanitation system and the corruption is actually concentrated in leaders who simply live way up high where weak, poor people can’t reach them. One rape-mongering police force is all this cutthroat oligarchy needs to maintain power.

Without a system of government, a valid police force, military, leadership, without infrastructure, Haiti is there for the taking. It always has been, but there’s no diplomatic chance to claim it “peacefully.” Until an earthquake occurred, and suddenly it appears as though troops need to be there.

Currently, two thousand UN troops are working around the clock in Haiti; and seven thousand American troops are in there or camped outside with three thousand more on the way, preemptively granting priority to military flights by default. A “mechanism” had to be put in place between the hippies and the Air Force so “humanitarian flights” could be put ahead in the queue over military flights, which – weren’t they originally there to aid the crisis anyway? So, shouldn’t everyone be given equal priority to land, especially since they’re all working toward the same end?

That contradiction implies the war machine operates coldly, prioritizing all flights in a rigid order wherein ‘first come, first serve’ does not apply, and so it needed to be changed. Impossible! Maybe for China, but certainly not the U.S. military. But, that means guns on the ground are more important than food on the ground. From an objective journalist’s perspective, there is no way to say or properly indict on such a hunch, but my instincts still tell me something is wrong, and it’s probably not a matter of one stubborn control tower.

We’re going global warfare on more fronts than Rumsfeld could have ever dreamed of. Hopefully, this is a signal that our collective Modern Warfare 2 experience points could be having some effect on the human mentality. Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kicking more than my share of ass in that game.

Back to Coast to Coast AM:

We’re going East of the Rockies now to Mary-Ann, who believes in psychic abilities, but she’d like to clarify that she is not a psychic. However, she does claim to have had pre-cognitive dreams and experiences of people dying and wants to know what it means. When she says something to someone who does not expect her to be a psychic but she correctly guesses trivia around their lives, this time involving an earthquake, they give her “the look.”

Tell it to Queen Dopplepopolis, Mary-Ann

The vulture cleans up messes in nature, which would otherwise cause health problems. They don’t attack healthy animals, but focus on dead and dying animals. Botulinum toxin, the toxin that causes botulism, does not affect them, and they can eat rotten flesh containing anthrax, rabies, and cholera bacteria, with no ill health effects. The vulture’s sense of smell is so great, that they are able to smell the dead they focus upon from great heights. Vast numbers have been seen upon battlefields. They gorge themselves when prey is abundant, until their stomach bulges, and then sit, sleepy and groggy, until they digest their food. These birds are of great value as scavengers, especially in hot regions, as they are one of the rare scavengers that can survive in hot, arid, desert regions. They are able to survive in blistering hot temperatures because they shit on their legs, and the water evaporating from their shit cools their body down.

The decline in vultures has led to hygiene problems in India, as carcasses of dead animals now tend to rot, or be eaten by rats or wild dogs, rather than be tidied up by vultures. Rabies among these other scavengers is a major health threat. India has one of the world’s highest incidences of rabies.

As valuable as vultures are to mankind, they do not get the appreciation they deserve.

The human vultures of the world don’t get the appreciation they deserve either. Just like vultures eat dead animals so that they won’t spread disease, homeless people rifle through our trash to take our half eaten food, so it won’t turn rotten and spread disease. So, when you see a bum rummaging through your trash, keep in mind that, just like their airborne brethren the vulture, they are doing us a service.

Elf Wax zoologists have discovered that homeless people tend to smell so bad because they go to the bathroom on themselves. One theory is that, like the vulture, the homeless rely on water evaporating from the excrement and urine in their pants to keep themselves cool.

Just as vultures are able to live on only the carcasses of dead and diseased animals, the homeless are able to live on only the spare change and discarded food of the working.

The homeless, like the vulture, have evolved into a creature that can survive in almost any region, and sustain themselves on the waste of others. These misunderstood creatures are truly miracles of nature, and should be revered for their adaptability……..not scorned.