Springfield, Ill.–A cat has contracted swine flu. The local veterinarian said it probably caught it from a human family member.

Dr. Ann Garvey, Iowa Department of Public Health Veterinarian, said cats trade influenza with humans, and this can be expected. But was it?

According to Elf Wax Health Expert, Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, Cat Flu is a dangerous mutation of the Swine Flu that doubles in strength following its rebound off the stout feline immune system.

“The Cat Flu, or Pussy Cold – or Cold Pussy, as we like to call it here at The Times, is not as funny as its name implies,” he said. “Cat Flu symptoms are much more damaging than the H1N1 virus from which it mutated. It begins by attacking the brain’s frontal lobe, compromising one’s sense of loyalty.

“People may turn on each other, become distant, live on the fringes. If you notice these symptoms in your friends or family, tell a government official right away. They will be quarantined, and if need be, incinerated to ensure the disease can not spread,” Dr. Armstrong advised.

Dr. Armstrong went on to warn that anyone suspected of having the Cat Flu should be de-clawed, or, failing that, the human equivalent of “removing their fingertips,” which he said, “Keeps them from messing up the furniture until they can be incinerated.”

“Really, incineration is the thing,” Armstrong said.

ELF WAX UPDATE:

THIS JUST IN:

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA HAS ORDERED THE MASS QUARANTINE OF ANY AND ALL U.S. CITIZENS WHO ARE POTENTIALLY CARRYING THE DISEASE TO BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO CAMPS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS CAT FLU, REPORT THEM TO THE FBI IMMEDIATELY, OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING LABELED A DOMESTIC BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST FOR AIDING IN THE POISONING AND DESTRUCTION OF HOMELAND SECURITY. DO NOT SLEEP, AMERICA. CAT FLU IS RAMPANT. S.O.S. SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY, THE TIMES OFFICE IS BEING OVERRUN BY ZOMBIE-EYED CAT PEOPLE. ABANDON ALL HOPE. COLLAPSE IMMINENT. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.

The death of a man’s soul begins at his ease of laughter. I think that is why Tom Arnold could not stay with Roseanne. And I believe this is also why he is no longer funny. That walking, smirking pile of shit will continue to make bad movies from now until the end of all times.

• The Skeptic
  

  Blockbuster Hit Parody of Something Else

5.8/10 out of 260 votes. Make that 261. That movie was such a piece of shit and I can say with fair certainty that there was probably at least one person in this world who paid not to see it; however, he still lives very comfortably. Too comfortably for comfort. So comfortably, in fact, that he can ignore every day the fact that in spite of his success, he is still the biggest goober to ever walk into the path of a video camera since the animated-to-exaggerated Stuart from Beavis and Butthead.

I have not seen this movie.

But I’ve recently gotten cable and what I have seen is that something is markedly wrong with Tom Arnold. He seems to have had a stroke or something. The Elf Wax Times likes to joke around and espouse lies, because most of the time they’re true in some other way. But seriously. Tom Arnold seems to have suffered a stroke, possibly as a direct result of drug overdose. I recommend you use the internet or your cable box to find CMT’s Redneck Wedding, or whatever it’s called, and look at him. He’s fucked up. Something’s wrong.

If you want to help Tom Arnold, and I mean really make a difference in his life, get on your knees and pray to God. Pray for Tom’s safety and well-being. He will be most grateful.

Hey, what’s up fellow Dudes! So totally check this new diet I’ve worked out for the modern man. I even did some math and stuff to make sure it’s completely healthy.