Nashville, Tn.–I guess a lot of you newbs are wondering what’s up with Elf Wax and where we’ve been. I know you’ve been whispering about me behind my back. I will kill you.
Some of us are busy and some of us have started new lives, some of us are continuing old lives that just continuously kick ass. That’s Elf Wax for you. But the main thing here is that we haven’t been posting much. The following is a list of excuses:
We are working on other projects. If you know who we are, then you know where to look. We can’t link to it here and certain things simply should not be printed; but, in fact are. Elsewhere.
Drugs
Videogames
Fighting foreign wars
Girlfriends
Drugs
Miley shortage
Collapse of the Soviet Union (we just found out)
Obama
We are officially on the FBI watch-list, so in a way we have “moved our operation” for effectiveness
But in fact the new operation is completely different from this
And better
Also, books, reading, writing, and the band (who are awesome)
poopsex loving dyke whores who like to fool around in hallways, switching between sucking our dicks and half-pooped turds
Yes. Shit is sort of changing for Elf Wax and we have been late acknowledging this but we really don’t care about you or what you read or tell people or believe in your little mislead hearts because you are sheep and cattle anyway. Oh, and just because I am in another state doesn’t mean I don’t still hate Virginia. Your laws are crooked and your police force is as overbearing as they are stupid. I back up this claim with evidence in our new website and with my mere existence.
But seriously, it’s serious time. And we are seriously avoiding this shit right now, because life is short man and there are about fifteen thousand better things to do than write this drivel you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves. We’re creating different things, writing better stuff, working on our own separate and collaborative projects and mainly just ignoring this place and cruising on the sexting hits. See our tags section for sexts. Sexting is where the money’s at. Changing your minds is where the satisfaction lies. And really, truthfully, honestly, Elf Wax readers are not even our target audience anymore so we politely ask that you dumb shit retards not follow our staff around the internet; or better yet, unplug your internet altogether because you’re probably just wasting bandwidth producing a never-ending stream of YoUtUbE COMMENTZ LOLZ I LOVE KE$HA SHE IS SO DEEP. And get fucked, please. Oh, unless you’re that girl from the insurance commercials with swollen red lips in which case I’ll take one blowjob, but then you must leave as well.
LAKE PARK, IL.–Area citizens were baffled this week when a local power line was spotted wearing a pair of shoes. The shoes appeared to be slightly worn, Nike® Air Jordan’s, and were first spotted Sunday morning.
“Must’ve been one of them damn squirrels,” spouted Walter Bernard, a retired Chicago Heights steel worker and chess enthusiast. “Only possible explanation.”
Lake Park Police have not yet issued any statements regarding the shoe incident. Though the neighborhood is said to be relatively “quiet”, reports have said that new neighbors have recently moved in whom are rarely seen during daytime hours and have brief visitors that “leave the house within five minutes.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” stated local elementary school art teacher, Kathy McMillan. “In this Obama era, even the bulk transfer of alternating current has the right to be fashionable. Welcome to the Nineties.”
Witnesses have also stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide.
Posted on 15 September 2009 by a faceless conglomerate
Washington, D.C., Tx–An independent study by the US Government was conducted on a stovetop Friday, twenty years ago. The results are inconclusive by logic of the critically-flawed scientific method, but based on what the President’s top aides are saying, stand firm. The dependent variables of the study were not verified and its results are taken as fact based on the government’s good track record of providing honest, objective, Christian scientific research.
The evidence in this photo suggests dope addicts have begun using guns as drugs, possibly by ingesting bullets anally in a new and creative effort to "get high"
“All drugs are the same,” said one expert. “Dope’ll kill ya,” said another. The men wished to remain anonymous because like all government officials, they are huge pussies and don’t stand behind their own words.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS INTENDED FOR MATURE, MALE AUDIENCES ONLY. IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE THIS AND START FRYING UP EGGS TO GET HIGH, IT IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT UNWORTHY OF OWNING CHILDREN.
Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.
Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing
young Skywalker into the Dark Side
In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you’re happily absorbing.
Possible uses for these chatrooms are:
Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
Internetpredation
Learning
Discussion of current events
Discussion of painful past events
Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It’s what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States’ confiscated drug supply.
Nashville, Tn.–I guess a lot of you newbs are wondering what’s up with Elf Wax and where we’ve been. I know you’ve been whispering about me behind my back. I will kill you.
