Got filthy Communism? Try Napalm

Now that the “War on Terror” has been declared officially over, President Hussein Obama has declared war on the Third World, which in fact has been going on since Vietnam. His policy of honesty has been met with complete apathy. America and its satellite nations are engaged in a campaign to eradicate any progress in developing countries which may threaten future corporate profit. Vietnamese, Iraqis, and Afghanis have learned how powerless they are as they drink Coca Cola in lieu of a clean water supply.

In America, things are very quiet.  Airplanes are loaded with Prozac and leave aerosol trails of obedience and submissive behavior in a perfect grid over the nation. The only people who seem to be capable of any type of outrage are only expressing it towards the most trivial changes in their lives. So-called “Tea Parties,” have shifted most of their vitriolic hate-protest towards the new Facebook layout.

Energy, Budget Cut, Tax, Lift American Spirits. A proper Tea Party.

Sarah Palin has gripped the reins of this hateful group and begun steering it towards her own agenda. Palin’s pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric has been ramped up tenfold by her newly discovered technique of writing and reading from her hand. Palin’s bestselling memoir Going Rogue: An American Life is now on sale at Wal Mart for a suspiciously low price. Originally “My Struggle: An American Life,” the title was changed by the publisher at the last-minute for an undisclosed reason.

In Italy, America has bastardized traditional Italian ingredients to form a “partially edible” new sandwich cleverly named the McItaly. This sandwich is obviously a collusion between McDonald’s and the highest levels of Italian government. Elf Wax sources have revealed McDonald’s plans for the McHaiti-a sandwich made entirely with misappropriated food relief. McHaitis will be distributed to crowds of hungry people with compressed air guns by employees dressed as Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and other beloved McDonald’s friends.

The world bank has collapsed leaving billions broke, as the value of the dollar continues to subdivide hourly.

The United States, the most powerful nation in the world, has been purchased by China fora mere $7 octillion [editor's note: there is not enough gold in the world to support this amount of money by yesterday's standards, but sources indicate an apathetic overtone to trading worldwide, resulting in massive, state-coordinated suicides].

Russian bombers circle overhead. American citizens do not know whether it will be a care package or a nuclear device falling from each passing airplane. Either way, independent scientists have confirmed the bombers’ routine flight grid is patterning the continental United States with chemtrails – a swine flu vaccine comprised of 90% mercury, 5% Tamiflu, 2.5% Red Bull, and an unknown ratio of wolf piss to iodine.

Citizens are commanded not to shoot their firearms toward the Russian Angels of Death buzzing overhead, but instead to turn their guns on themselves for a quick-trigger path to what inevitably lies ahead. Sources say, “Jesus will forgive you.”

At the stroke of midnight, the power-grid to the Eastern seabord is to be disconnected to allow for the invasion and scheduled genocide of the stretch of beachhead from Florida to New Jersey. New York, sources say, has become officially “worthless” and will be “spared.”

The upside to all this? Bit torrents still work; in fact, they are attributed by analysts to be the root cause of this sudden change in socio-political landscape. Prepare for chaos.