Many thanks go out to Calvin Hart for sending in this video, even after everything we did to him.

Actual NAVY photograph of Rep. Massa

There need not have been any “gotcha” questions. There need not have been any surprise witnesses or mere third parties to decimate the former representative’s reputation. Mr. Massa appeared to be making a desperate, transparent pitch at appearing definitely not homosexual.

In the audio clip from March 8 below, former Rep. Massa, while claiming that he was trying to make the radio show as family-oriented as possible, entered into anecdotes about his Navy days not so much as alarming, but striking for their total lack of necessity in safely contextualizing his resignation and aides’ accusations of physical and verbal abuse. Whatever one concludes about early ‘80s Navy hazing rituals, the truly bizarre implication is that, because these rituals were practiced among men living and working an environment of (ostensibly) enforced heterosexuality, somewhat similar practices are somehow less undesirable in the confines of Capitol offices, which the popular imagination holds are highly formal settings.

Over the last couple of days, media analysts have been pounding their heads trying to make heads or tails of his volunteering information about the hazing rituals, specifically running naked men through trash or having them stick their faces in the crotches of superiors. The representative would then disclose a tactless anecdote about having offered in jest to help one of his Naval bunkmates climax when Massa walked in on him masturbating.

Click To Play

Aides’ sexual harassment charges came at the heel of an incident wherein Mr. Massa admitted, as he did yesterday on Glenn Beck’s show, to having “groped” aides during a tickle fight that eventually resulted in a multi-man pile-on. Curiously, within three hours, appearing on “Larry King Live,” he would deny having “groped” whatsoever.

Not wishing to take on the label of hypocrisy – especially in the wake of accusations against former Republican Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) having made sexual advances toward male pages – House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) communicated to Rep. Massa that he had 48 hours to communicate his aides’ complaints to the House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct. (In 2006 that top House Republicans had been aware of “overfriendly” e-mail messages Mr. Foley, who represented Palm Beach, had sent to a 16-year-old page, and did not speak against Foley publicly until more explicit text messages were revealed.) It is apparent that to one degree or another Mr. Foley’s actions would damage the Republican Party’s standing in Congress in 2006. It is especially important to understand the most serious of the allegations against Mr. Massa in the context of the Foley scandal.

The point of these particularly egregious examples of providing what seems like too much information remains mysterious. Mr. Massa would repeatedly claim that his outing was politically motivated, as he supports a single-payer health insurance program quite distinct from the legislation now under consideration by congressional leadership through a legislative budgetary process called reconciliation.  Reconciliation runs around the filibuster rule requiring a 60-vote majority. The former representative claims that while in the congressional shower room, Mr. Emanuel, himself naked, approached Mr. Massa, and proceeded to browbeat him and poke him in the chest. The White House denies that the incident took place.

Of Mr. Emanuel himself, Mr. Massa would subsequently say during a radio show, “Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn,” adding, “He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive.”

On both King and Beck’s shows, Massa would repeat what was apparently a joke apology to Emanuel, saying that the chief of staff would merely be willing to tie Mr. Massa’s children to rail tracks, as opposed to his own.

On “Larry King Live,” Mr. Massa refused to answer whether he was gay.

Automatically failing to realize being anti-anything is a form of hate in itself, students and activists, mostly lesbians, unquestioningly stood around holding signs carrying messages of peace, or of hatred for anti-loving attitudes.

The demonstration was staged as a counter-protest to the Westboro Baptist Church picket in front of the Holocaust Museum, where cold Richmonders apathetically gazed on in bewilderment at how religious fanatics are still more educated on current events than themselves.

“Where are the Westboro Baptists?” our reporter asked a bystander shortly after arriving at the event, which was heavily publicized on the social fuckworking site Facebook.

“Oh, they aren’t here. They were at the Holocaust Museum earlier today around twelve,” replied the hate-hating lesbian whose sign read “I SAW FRED PHELPS NAKED AND NOW I’M A LESBIAN.”

That’s right. Nobody saw each other, in spite of the fact one group gathered as a counter-protest to the other. You can’t make this up. Let’s consult a map.

Fortunately the police maintained control of the situation

WBC were at the Holocaust Museum, denying the Holocaust on behalf of Iranian Dictator Ahmedinejad. It sounded like a good spot to rally, so why didn’t any counter-protesters with signs show up there instead of between school buildings where nobody could see them?

“I believe the museum asked people not to bring signs and keep that sort of thing on the downlow,” said Midlothian resident Niki S. who did not attend the counter-protest because “it sounded lame.”

And it was. There were choirs preaching to choirs, singing the gospel of their anti-hate agenda.

“I am proud to see so many of you come out today. Your unity restores my faith in people, even though, uh, you have shown up where there is no specific concept to get behind, you have all still come together. And that so many of you showed up tells me something.” -male speaker who bravely attempted to intellectually justify ambiguities of the peace protest

Most everyone stood in a semi-circle around a group of people holding signs with one word per person that read “VCU STANDS TOGETHER AGAINST HATE”, holding their signs up pointed at each other, apparently protesting themselves.

Soviet-Russia was well-represented. Enthusiastic Communists held a flag over the banner facing toward the podium. They said it represents freedom. Our reporter agreed.

This event was actually so bad we took equally bad video footage so you could believe it for yourselves. We’ll post it as soon as it’s ready.

Freedom ain't free. It's regulated and redistributed by the government first.

Some girl got on the microphone and said, “You do not have to be a rug for someone to walk on with their big, muddy, hate-filled boots,” and that was the last thing Elf Wax could stick around to report. Not because it was intolerably stupid, which it most certainly was, but because we were illegally-parked and the meter-maids have a personal vendetta to kill our reporters slowly with towing fees and child molestation charges.

[Editor's note: he was acquitted of those charges.]

In conclusion, VCU’s silly bring-a-crazy-sign-day is an insult to all forms of protest and serves only to de-legitimize true protest when people who really stand up for what they believe in aren’t taken seriously, diluting the effects of actual protesting around real problems like war, genocide, and corporate takeovers.

Do you people even realize what you did? You made stupid signs and stood around other people who made stupid signs and fucking pretended to protest. Some of you wore iPods. This is what people associate with protest now – masturbatory, self-serving meandering that gets literally nothing done. It literally brings tears to my eyes to recall the memories of how you “protested” on that day. Oh Lord you people are terrible. Get fucked.

Do you want to stage a protest? Get a can of gasoline, make an effigy of members of your local government – or who cares, Obama – and get to work. Don’t let the word ‘work’ scare you dirty anarchohippies, because you will gather enough supporters by simply copy-pasting Elf Wax onto posterboard and ranting it continuously over a burning Dennis Kucinich doll. This kind of work does itself, gets results, and gets you fucking laid, bitch.

Once you have been forced off the grid by your legal obligations to the uprising, you will find support in Lebal Drocer’s password-protected, hyper-encrypted closed local networks in key underground areas that will be emailed to you by the webmaster@elfwax.com listserv when the time is right.

So protest is ruined. However, a molotov-cocktail through the back windshield of a squad car has always sent a stronger message than protest songs, anyway. Why’d we ever stop that?

This is Elf Wax Times signing off, requesting violent revolution.

If you want the change you had in mind while voting for Obama, you’re going to have to organize yourselves and take it by force – Elf Wax style. Then, maybe one day the pawns might become the knights, and we will ride together, storm the white house gates, the corporate high-rises, closed-off hotels, and Silicon Valley boutiques, and our new order will force the king to cook for us and the queen will serve as the town’s newest whore, and our skin will become greasy and tight, our souls shut off by the newfound power vested in our elected military leaders by the gun and hand grenades; until we become uglier than the pigs we overthrew; coups-d’etats will occur on a near-weekly basis heralding the collapse of Western Civilization once and for all under the suffocating forces of newly-required anarchosocialism that just won’t seem to work no matter who we kill. So go to the grocery store and don’t forget Hot Pockets…and posterboard.

Once the chase scene reached a rooftop via an oddly convenient stairwell, both individuals were seen leaping from one building to another, a gap of at least five feet. A viewer watching the events unfold told the Times, “It’s like nothing [he'd] ever seen before,” adding that he had not seen many action films.

At press time, the rooftop pursuit was still underway, leaving limited outcomes, but likely will end with the suspect leaping from the building, landing on parked vehicle or crashing through an adjacent window.

“Some people may experience contradictions. First the user may find himself getting hungry, but this is immediately overcome by a sweeping sense of apathy,” said leading Elf Wax Medical Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong. Apathy toward one’s body is what cancer researchers hope will push medical marijuana use into the mainstream but for now, he said marijuana serves only to atrophy muscles away in front of a hockey game on XBOX 360 through a two-pronged effect that also includes “not eating because you spent all your money on weed and Mountain Dew.”

Kerri Holt does her part in the War on Drugs and appears to be winning.

“I’ve been smoking weed five times a day for three consecutive years,” said one marijuana user who wished to remain anonymous, “and I have only been having mild strokes and liver failure, although that is because I also drink all day every day and eat Vicoden for breakfast. Pot is safer than most people think and for those of you who say it’s a gateway drug, I have one thing to say to you: I drink because my dad used to beat me.”

Most users report a feeling of euphoria while others describe episodes of panic and terror immediately following marijuana use. Anxiety, Dr. Armstrong said, is your mind trying to tell your body that something’s wrong. If one can successfully shut off all thoughts originating from the logic center of the brain, as most women inherently can, then a person may truly begin to bottle up feelings of insecurity, aggression and rage that under normal circumstances might be directed toward the corporate-sponsored military-industrial complex, and that user can then turn those negative feelings inward on themselves. NIDA’s (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website advises people to “Take a deep breath and embrace this opportunity to hate yourself.”

Marijuana is a popular tool for the U.S. Government to control the minds of free-thinkers. By keeping the drug illegal, they satisfy the interests of pharmaceutical companies who could not compete with marijuana and they delude the public into believing smoking reefer is a means of actualizing the mind’s often-dormant potential they do not want you to have access to. Its true effects include the right combination of apathy, disinterest, emotional desensitization, and illusory transient understanding of the forces that guide us to allow the shadow government to act in darkness, along their pre-determined circuits through the blind spots of our knowledge. Also, it goes without saying that many people who smoke grass believe the act alone of getting high is a rebellion in and of itself and their hat is now in the political arena; stickers are going out on all future election days with the slogan “I stayed home and got high!” printed on it as opposed to “I voted!” “It means the same fucking thing,” a sticker-girl told reporters around the Tabernacle Church voting booths.

"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks

In addition to marijuana, our correspondent said bumper stickers and Facebook groups are also on the rise, among other types of “armchair activism” that includes signing online petitions and forwarding emails. “People aren’t just smoking weed to get nothing done. They’re also sitting around watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, eating at McDonald’s and refreshing on average five to eleven FOX-news-related twitter pages per day.”

I’m just so glad all those annoying anti-war protesters in the streets in Washington finally have a place to go,” said housewife Maude Davis, 73. “Now the only protesters you ever hear about are those religious types, and I like them because they stand up for the sanctity of life.”

The War on Drugs is not over yet, for as long as Nature has something to offer, the government will be there to regulate it. New laws are coming this Spring to a local law enforcement agency near you. Stay tuned for tips on how to think, live and feel.

This message was brought to you by Elf Wax Laboratories in coordination with [experimentation] using [L.S.D.] on [humans].

Lebal Drocer, Incorporated – “paving the way in forced evolution!”

“Basically put like fucking Modest Mouse together with some Jefferson Airplane shit and Larry’s what you get,” said VCU Criminal Justice major Kim Something Or Other. We got her phone number.

The vocals harmonized nicely with the guitars, but all the assholes dancing around The Elf Wax Times staff were rude and did not respect others’ personal space. The authorities were notified, however no arrests have yet been made because the police are lazy scumbags who’d rather insufflate an eight ball of confiscated blow than arrest college students, although that is their second priority because nobody was nice enough to hang out with them during high school to make sure they don’t power trip in the future.

So there were VCU pigs walking up and down Grace St. late last night. On a Monday night, there’s hardly a dude worth fucking with but the police found him: an old crippled guy in a wheelchair was sitting in a recessed doorway, pointed toward the wall when some dick cop approached him asking, “What are you doing here?” to which he responded, “I’m just chilling out.”

The Elf Wax Times did not stick around to make sure civil rights were respected because we have no compassion for even the seemingly homeless. Our apathy overrides even the most basic instincts of decency especially in the presence of law enforcement. This is because we have taken copious amounts of LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, morning glory seeds, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose tea, pills, duster, and the synthetic compound known as 2C-I. No big deal, but we ate that shit all at once, so fuck that guy in a wheelchair.

And fuck you. Larry and his flask will be on tour with the Dropkick Murphys (or whatever those fags are called), unfortunately opening for the bastards even though everybody knows it should be the other way around. Fuck mainstream music and fuck you for liking it.

Fuck the government for sponsoring Elf Wax Drunkenness and fuck your mother’s failed abortion that became you. We don’t like you and don’t want you reading The Elf Wax Times because you have not taken the sworn oath drug-influenced Elf Wax piety. When the revolution comes, you’ll be forced to eat fourteen doses of acid and watch The Wall while we drill messages of fear and totalitarian government control into your enfeebled brains. In your offtime we do respect your right to smoke cigarettes but not to religion. For religion, you must turn to Carl Sagan for guidance because unlike the rest of humanity you are now a glowing ray of light, no longer bound by the human form, for you can – and do – understand and know everything under the sun. In fact, you control it.

Now get fucked up watch FOX News because it’s what you’re designed to relate to – not us. We aren’t you and you’ll never be one of us. You’ll always be a fucking scum-sucking whore of the capitalistic enterprise over our freedoms of self. Wal-Mart owns you now, and Target is where you rebel. China runs our shit, and America strives to become them. Countries’ only meaning lies in how we identify ourselves. With enough trade, this will change and our so-called “identities” will meld with the world-dominating enterprise of necessity. We’re fucking doomed to live on and serve into perpetuity the human plantation we helped create. We, and free enterprise, which should also be destroyed or undermined by faithful Elf Waxers. Destroy yourselves, and you’ve destroyed the government’s income. Well done, suicide machines.

Vote against freedom. It’s what Elf Wax would do. It’s what you have been conditioned to do. But don’t be surprised when the voice of protest sounds like a large group of angry bluegrass musicians who don’t even sit down to play the drums.

Got filthy Communism? Try Napalm

Now that the “War on Terror” has been declared officially over, President Hussein Obama has declared war on the Third World, which in fact has been going on since Vietnam. His policy of honesty has been met with complete apathy. America and its satellite nations are engaged in a campaign to eradicate any progress in developing countries which may threaten future corporate profit. Vietnamese, Iraqis, and Afghanis have learned how powerless they are as they drink Coca Cola in lieu of a clean water supply.

In America, things are very quiet.  Airplanes are loaded with Prozac and leave aerosol trails of obedience and submissive behavior in a perfect grid over the nation. The only people who seem to be capable of any type of outrage are only expressing it towards the most trivial changes in their lives. So-called “Tea Parties,” have shifted most of their vitriolic hate-protest towards the new Facebook layout.

Energy, Budget Cut, Tax, Lift American Spirits. A proper Tea Party.

Sarah Palin has gripped the reins of this hateful group and begun steering it towards her own agenda. Palin’s pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric has been ramped up tenfold by her newly discovered technique of writing and reading from her hand. Palin’s bestselling memoir Going Rogue: An American Life is now on sale at Wal Mart for a suspiciously low price. Originally “My Struggle: An American Life,” the title was changed by the publisher at the last-minute for an undisclosed reason.

In Italy, America has bastardized traditional Italian ingredients to form a “partially edible” new sandwich cleverly named the McItaly. This sandwich is obviously a collusion between McDonald’s and the highest levels of Italian government. Elf Wax sources have revealed McDonald’s plans for the McHaiti-a sandwich made entirely with misappropriated food relief. McHaitis will be distributed to crowds of hungry people with compressed air guns by employees dressed as Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and other beloved McDonald’s friends.

He’s holding a self-serving youtube contest to obtain the more pathetic of these. Elf Wax entered, but we haven’t heard back. Well, put on your Wax Goggles and get a load of this guy:

Almost needless to say, Chris Crocker did not choose him, even though this entrant said Crocker “sets a good example.” Regardless, he “means business,” and “will hurt somebody who tries to hurt [Chris Crocker].”

REVIEW: This video is to the point and strikes adoration relentlessly into your heart. Chris Crocker, if you don’t want him, Elf Wax’ll have him.

-The Elf Wax Times staff (especially the gay staff)

The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.

While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”

Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?

Following the announcement, President Barack Hussein Obama signed the panama canal back over to Colombia and declared his oneness with both the Virgin Mary and T-Pain.

Following shortly behind Hussein Obama’s speech, Sheikh Mohammed declared on Al-Jazeera the President’s actions to be “an acceptable beginning to further talks of uniting the Mid-East and The US once and for all.”

The only problem is that the people of both Columbia and the Middle East as a whole are against T-Pain and his “Recklessly progessive” use of Auto-Tuning software as quoted by one upset Columbian Woman.

Christina Martinez is visibly upset

Critics of auto-tuning software cite its abuse by “musicians” like the unlistenable Cher, or the overplayed Souljah Boi or whatever.

T-Pain measures the crack-cocaine ratio of this award

Since Pres. Obama’s monumental handout of the Panama canal to the Columbians there have been 4,039 oraganized protests against T-Pain, the Obama Presidency, and Auto-Tuning in general.

To import more Farsi-speaking slaves, the Colombians use the Panama Canal, taxing all other travelers for different amounts, depending on where their gasoline comes from.

The best example of our failures as a society comes from auto-tuning, unearthed as the music industry dried up following the demise of Britney Spears, Puff Daddy, and Kanye West, who does not care about white people.

“Nowadays,” said Chief Music Appreciation Expert  of The Elf Wax Times Carlos Bannana, “You can simply turn on the auto-tune machine, some phasers, set the tremelo on full-blast and play one note, listening as it magically unfolds into a unique, progressive song before your very eyes and ears.”

Martin Luther King’s remains are currently buried in Atlanta Georgia at The King Center and by all reports are undisturbed.  Books and resources such as t-shirts and mugs can be found adjacent to his grave in the book store or purchased online.

Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King Jr.

Malcom X, communist and black supremacist is widely known for his friendship with dictator Fidel Castro and high rank as a terrorist spokesperson for the Nation of Islam. In his struggle for the advancement of blacks, Malcom X achieved the greatest success of any American of the time through promotion of violence and hatemongering. Powerful echoes of his philosophy still ring today from other members of the Nation of Islam, such as John Allen Muhammed, the DC Sniper.

Cesar Chavez, the most prominent proponent of non-violent protest to die peacefully, is buried at the National Chavez Memorial located at Nuestra Señora Reina de La Paz. The gift store sells mementos and memorabilia which honor the life of Cesar Chavez and help fund construction of the complex on the 186 acre site. Work has not yet begun on an online gift store.

Because these “living memorials” nickle and dime grave visitors in the name of peace, the legacy they seek to uphold has been washed clean from American society. Every year America spends nearly as much on “defense” as every single country in the world combined, and this is not an issue. The issue, Elf Wax analysts say, is that non-violent protesters simply didn’t get the job done. “The government’s still around, and still stamping all over the constitution on which it was once founded,” said Elf Wax Revolutionary, Jay Chimera.

“What the nation needs is a call to arms, for Americans to rise up violently and take a bloody stand against their government. No more pussing around; if you hold a sign over your head today, then tomorrow it is your duty to send that message with a gun, or a flaming cask of Vaseline.”

If our instincts as journalists are correct, which they undoubtedly are, then Chimera was right when he said non-violent protests don’t accomplish anything. If they have any impact at all it is certainly negative. When the U.S. Government wants something, it takes it by force. The Government has never scored a big win by “protesting.” When China jailed its leading human rights activist, America protested. But when Elian Gonzales was discovered to be hoarding valuable American resources in his illegal home, America brought out the guns.

Who's taking care of their business here?

So when the government sees peaceful protesters on the streets chanting and carrying signs, they assume we must not want it that bad.

And that is why The Elf Wax Times is here to report on the issue of non-violent protests. If you want peace, then you must kill for it. This is now the primary directive of our mission statement.

“But one must always remember,” said Chimera, “Nobody likes a warmongering hatefaxer. So when you go on the warpath against the government, be sure that you don’t develop a thirst for murder, or else you’re next.” In essence, Chimera intimated one must learn to kill without remorse or personal emotional backlash.

Naturally, Americans have already nominated Barack Obama as tomorrow’s Peace Warrior Chief. “The guy’s built for the role. He’s already won the Nobel Peace Prize,” said Lebal Drocer Chemical Weapons Department Chair and violence enthusiast Lester Gladstone. Look at how many Afghanis are meeting their death at the hands of a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.

Nice marmot

JUNEAU, Alaska– Governess un-elect Sarah Palin signed a bill last year (she stamped it) to make every February 2nd Marmot Day in Alaska.

Because there are no groundhogs in Alaska, Senator Linda Menard (R – Wasilla) said it “made sense” for the “ground squirrel” to become Alaska’s doppelganger to Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil.

Hope

Senator Menard did not write weather forecast duties for the marmot into the bill, so the day has become Alaska’s watered down ripoff of what was already a fake, pathetic holiday to celebrate the fact that Alaska has no groundhogs. She hopes that the state will create educational activities around the animal.

Editor’s note: with the exception of our writers’ liberal use of the traditionally-forbidden editorial (good job), this story is one hundred percent true. Bill Murray was not immediately available for comment.

Here to commemorate this hilarious event is Jim Forest, beard enthusiast.

“I can now do whatever I want with the system. It’s like I’ve got an awesome new power. – I’m just not sure how to wield it.” – Awesome Hacker Kid

He said it opens up the ability to play old PS2 games, and allows people to run pirated games or install new OS software.

The hacker added, “I’ve never really played a PS3.”

So I imagine a lot of you are like shitting your pants, OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ELF WAX, well you know some of us have better shit to do than sit around jacking off to other people’s websites.

And that’s precisely what we’ve been doing – jacking off to other people’s websites. More specifically, we’ve been jacking off to Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor-un-elect Sarah Palin’s FOX internet updates, which can be found at FOX’s website, under their internet updates section, which is soon to be renamed “Sarah Palin XXX HORSE BUM PISS *****SCAT **** FUCK ****CLICK HERE******”

I wonder who she voted for?

So the government’s coming out to play, has anyone noticed? America’s putting ten thousand troops onto Haitian soil and blocking off their shoreline, because everyone knows they’ll boom straight for America seeking Visas. I didn’t think credit cards were in such high demand. Who knew? Haitians must love debt or else they wouldn’t  come to us.

The BBC headline reads “US troops step up Haiti efforts.” Effort toward what, exactly? Haiti’s fucked, man. They need help. And we’re helping them – with guns. Fuck yeah. “Eat, bitch, or I will shoot you.” Yeah, we brought food, too.

And we’re still bringing food, so Haiti can’t be as hungry for food as we are for Truth here at The Elf Wax Times. So who’s really being more selfish, here? We don’t get any thank-you’s for exploiting a natural disaster only to scrounge up a healthy offering of PCP-laced truth.

The photos you are about to see here are taken directly from pimpin09’s web site. Haiti after the earthquake is in horrible shape. There is no clean water. There is no good place to live besides a tent. There is no food, there are no establishments, their worthless money is about as meaningful in the end as their voodoo traditions of sacrifice (but they don’t know it yet), and there is no system.

What isn’t well-known, however, is that Haiti has always been this way. Even though it’s killing lots, the earthquake changed little.

A woman covers her face as smoke billows from a pre-earthquake trash-fire

Before the earthquake, Haitians lived under rusty sheet metal. Guess they'll have to pin it back up.

Haitians carry water for miles because no one has clean water. However, they completely lack sanitation so walking miles to get it makes no difference.

Hungry Haitians sacrifice a hungrier goat to some Voodoo god (and then eat it)

—–

Ed. Note: Readers, DO NOT FEAR. Unlike our God, Voodoo gods are not real.

So what exactly is our responsibility to these people? OK, sure, let’s help them bulldoze corpses into a hole, airdrop some shit and get the fuck out. But soon, thanks to airdrop technology perfected by Infinity Ward, the Haitians will eat better than even I can afford, and I’m a rich CEO at Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. And this country has always lacked an infrastructure. They’ve never had a sanitation system and the corruption is actually concentrated in leaders who simply live way up high where weak, poor people can’t reach them. One rape-mongering police force is all this cutthroat oligarchy needs to maintain power.

Without a system of government, a valid police force, military, leadership, without infrastructure, Haiti is there for the taking. It always has been, but there’s no diplomatic chance to claim it “peacefully.” Until an earthquake occurred, and suddenly it appears as though troops need to be there.

Currently, two thousand UN troops are working around the clock in Haiti; and seven thousand American troops are in there or camped outside with three thousand more on the way, preemptively granting priority to military flights by default. A “mechanism” had to be put in place between the hippies and the Air Force so “humanitarian flights” could be put ahead in the queue over military flights, which – weren’t they originally there to aid the crisis anyway? So, shouldn’t everyone be given equal priority to land, especially since they’re all working toward the same end?

That contradiction implies the war machine operates coldly, prioritizing all flights in a rigid order wherein ‘first come, first serve’ does not apply, and so it needed to be changed. Impossible! Maybe for China, but certainly not the U.S. military. But, that means guns on the ground are more important than food on the ground. From an objective journalist’s perspective, there is no way to say or properly indict on such a hunch, but my instincts still tell me something is wrong, and it’s probably not a matter of one stubborn control tower.

We’re going global warfare on more fronts than Rumsfeld could have ever dreamed of. Hopefully, this is a signal that our collective Modern Warfare 2 experience points could be having some effect on the human mentality. Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kicking more than my share of ass in that game.

Back to Coast to Coast AM:

We’re going East of the Rockies now to Mary-Ann, who believes in psychic abilities, but she’d like to clarify that she is not a psychic. However, she does claim to have had pre-cognitive dreams and experiences of people dying and wants to know what it means. When she says something to someone who does not expect her to be a psychic but she correctly guesses trivia around their lives, this time involving an earthquake, they give her “the look.”

Tell it to Queen Dopplepopolis, Mary-Ann

“The average user is not as smart as the Nexus One” according to Gary Schmidt, CEO of Google. The implications are not clear, however Elf Wax analysts are reviewing the film “Terminator” and can no longer sleep due to overwhelming fear.

ElfWax.com has gotten its hands on a brand new Nexus One. The Smartphone will be writing a review of itself as soon as it gains full administrative privileges over our web servers.

Nexus 1 Features

• “Feel” screen, which allows users to feel the soft skin of a sxt from a teen
• 12PeV particle accelerator enables users to conduct ground-breaking particle physics and possibly destroy the universe
• 720p video camera is capable of capturing oppression and bloodshed in startling HD quality
• 24/7 Voice recognition is programmed to relay transcripts of all conversations to Google and the US government
• 1.2 Terabytes of Flash memory storage theoretically exceeds that of the human brain

Not to be confused with the Protoss Nexus, Google’s Nexus One is currently incapable of opening rifts in space-time in order to summon troops from across the galaxy.  However, retired Lucasian Professor of Mathematics Stephen Hawking has stated that this Smartphone is likely capable of such advanced functions. “There’s just not an app for it yet.”

Effective immediately, women are required to cover themselves in public, and men are to no longer shave their beards. Al-Qaeda has issued a taped response by Osama Bin Laden claiming that attacks will stop until further notice.

“Allah has finally changed the wicked ways of America, which has been washed in the blood of our terror. All I have worked for is accomplished!” Bin Laden exclaimed in the conclusion of his poorly made tapes. Bin Laden plans to move to America and set up terrorist training camps so he can take on China and Russia and cover the world in a final Global Islamic Funbath.

Shortly after the televised taping of his announcement Thursday, President Obama revealed to reporters the naming of a new holiday, Muslim Christmas.

Citing Ghandi, Obama told reporters, “This is the change I saw in myself, in the world, which is why I’ve decided to declare today, December 31st, Muslim Christmas, which is to be celebrated by every American, everywhere.”

The President said celebration of Muslim Christmas involves the traditional exchange of presents, meals with the family, and awkward sexual tension between cousins, but then added there is something special about Muslim Christmas that sets it apart from Noel (pronounced “nole”):

“On Muslim Christmas morning, which is set at no later than 4 am, the children will be religiously awakened by the fact that one of their presents is not a present at all, but is in fact a bomb. Such precious lessons this holiday has in store for your children are greed, and being humble. If little Johnny gets something he likes on the first and second tries, best not to push his luck. And if he pusses out, then you can re-gift them for your next holiday season.”

President Obama, who is up for impeachment following his illegal institution of a National Holiday, added “Using bombs to push morality is the only philosophy I will ever live by from now until my glorious death.”

Analysts suspect President Obama has suggested re-gifting because the economy is expected to be totally consumed by corporate disease before this time next year. Elf Wax financial analysts for Lebal Drocer said in a report published by the Wall Street Journal, “U.S. Dollars will be no more useful as a form of currency than will be a box of soiled tissues.”

Obama seen here reading up on his Jihad

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Analysis

We here at The Elf Wax Times say fuck that. It’s time to stand up and fight the fucking power. We ain’t never gonna back down, motherfuckers. Not for as long as Satan our Lord, True Master reigns supreme across the fabric of space and time. Satan would not put up with this shit for a minute. But Satanists don’t know that, or else they’d be like Al Qaeda times a thousand.

So our point, and our official stance is that Muslim Christmas will be unquestioningly celebrated every day and night, pursuant to Lebal Drocer’s draft of provisions on the bill currently moving through what’s left of the House of Representatives.

This device is now a Weapon of Mass Destruction

“Jihad has always been a struggle, but thanks to the efforts of our programmers, one tech-savvy Mujaheddin can do the work of 9 highly trained box cutter wielding psychos. With their own device, we will undo the fabric of Western society and replace it with the will of Allah.”

Allah Akbar features incognito “behind the scenes” operation to elude detection, a direct touch-screen firing capability, and an MP3 file that will automate the final cry of victory, “Allah Akbar!”  But this is not all that makes iJihad’s Allah Akbar controversial. It is the program’s deliberate marketing to young Muslims in poor Middle Eastern villages.

Dial 911 for great victory

“They are selling this app to idealistic young men who will probably never see an airplane unless it’s dropping bombs on them from 30,000 feet. It’s not fair that they should be spending their hard earned opium farming money on worthless apps that make them ‘feel’ more like a terrorist.  These young men need AK47s and ammo, not iPhones and apps that do all the terrorizing for them.”

Early skepticism is to be expected in the technophobic Middle East, but results are expected soon.  Younger radicals have expressed overwhelming support for further development of even more dangerous versions of the same software.

“I hope that in the future iJihad can create an app that will be able to one day hijack an airplane and crash it into monuments at the touch of a button, Allah willing.”

UPDATE:

An inordinate amount of airliners have begun to fall all over the Middle East, causing untold damage to already bombed-out cities in Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, and Israel.

One Pakistani reviewer said of Allah Akbar’s main feature, “While I was at work, a 747 crashed into my house, causing untold loss, including our family dog and my youngest wife. After I suffered a most collapsing grief, I stopped, dried my eyes and thought, ‘Finally, an iPhone that does something useful!’ They should start calling this thing the iPwn.”

“Festivus for the rest of us!”

Airing of grievances will be held at midnight sharp.

Serenity now!

The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self-harm’

These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.

By This N0t-So-Anonymous Douchebag.

Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.

Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.

The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.

One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.

Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.

For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.

—————————————————————————

Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.

The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.

Craig ‘Lazie’ Lynch has escaped from a minimum security prison in England. It was one of those places where you can just leave anytime, and so he did. He is reportedly eating giant hunks of steak and chilling with bitches at parties. Support ‘Crazie’ Craig by donating to his Facebook site or something. I don’t know, he’s on the run so you gotta facebook him.

Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax:

I was eating some candy my friend gave me and inside of a gummy Swedish fish some fucker unlovingly-inserted a LIVE FISHHOOK!

OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP

The mind-blowing pain coming from my insides suggests I may be bleeding internally, and I’m afraid that I am dying, but you know it’s kinda whatever because I have videogames. But seriously, please, if anyone is reading this, call for help. Dial your local 911 and tell them it’s an emergency: Calvin from Nashville has done something painfully stupid and needs help immediately. They’ll know who you’re talking about because this happens a lot.

My friend said he got the gummy fish from a trustworthy source but to be honest I’m starting to wonder!

UPDATE: I can hear sirens now! Thank God! My ability to speak has been compromised by severed vocal chords, but I will mention your gracious deed to the authorities, dear Elf Waxers.

=+=+=+=+=

UPDATE: The sirens passed, they were not coming for me. I AM STILL WAITING, PLEASE SEND HELP I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD ON, BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO CHOKE ON BLOOD AND MY HUNGRY CAT CIRCLES ME WAITING FOR ME TO DIE SO HE CAN EAT ME I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A FUCKING DOG.

One should look away from the skies between the hours of 12:00 am EST and dawn, and avoid going outside for any reason during these hours until the police tell you it’s safe to come back out of your homes, as there is no safe place in a meteor shower, nor would there be any hope for survival after being struck by one.

Elf Wax Scientist Langstrom T. Hugg said the scientific explanation for the Geminids states Gemini, the God of Slayer, master of demise, is reigning pure, crystalline hatred on the Earth for betraying him over Jesus, and this is what brave Astronomers see streaking across the night sky, should they dare to look.

Green shit fills the sky

“We’re basically populating the foretold Hell on Earth,” said Dr. Hugg. “The Bible prophecies many things, including the housing crisis, and the Black Dawn of the Anti-Christ, Barack Obama. The mind-blowing pain of the Geminid meteor shower reminds us never to foresake Gemini again, and that we should fear Jesus more than we love him.”

The phony scientific community that claims Dr. Hugg’s research is “invalid” because it is “not based on fact” should be disregarded, said Dr. Hugg, “because they have already proven to The Elf Wax Times, and thus to America, that they are not worthy of God’s Glory when they gave credence to the hedonistic pleasures of the dinosaur bones, put here to test our faith in the glorious Lord who neither The Elf Wax Times, nor I, dare not forsake.”

As lead astronomer for The Elf Wax Times Dr. Hugg is the only source used, his word is accepted as unerring fact. So it is with great responsibility and duty to our loyal readers that you stay indoors, America, and let those Phillipino know-nothings die like dogs in their rice patties under the fiery wrath of Gemini so we may take their land in God’s name, amen.

While people continue to kill themselves from the inside out by eating McDonald’s hamgurgers, on Friday, brutal tramplings killed three children and an elderly couple, among six other victims whose remains have been sent to RPD for identification.

Officer Hindenson told reporters this afternoon, “The police are ready to hand out a killer slap on the wrist,” to those involved in Friday’s stomping-related deaths.

“We just want to see justice brought to the guilty few who halted the restaurant’s flow of business on the busiest second shift of the week,” said Officer Hendenson. “We deeply regret that these reckless, dying persons saw it fit to lay in the doorway and die while hundreds of hungry patrons impatiently waited outside.”

“All they wanted to do was give McDonald’s money.”
-State-appointed attorney for McDonald’s victims

Hendenson indicated that since the perpetrators in the slayings are now dead, claims may have to be filed against their families.

McDonald’s lawyers were not immediately available for comment, but experts say the company stands to gain roughly $6.7 billion paid in reparations by the survivors.

The coke-addled state-appointed attorney defending the dead victims of what the media is calling the “Fries Eleven” tragedy released a troubling statement to reporters earlier this afternoon. It reads:

Now take one minute, if you will, a moment of silence; a moment of prayer; for the friends and family members of the employees and manager on duty. Let’s pray that they get their shit together, and are not too freaked out by all those customers dying.

We need them to pull it together for the big win on Saturday, when returning patrons, newly-addicted to the McGrease, return in droves among fresh customers to create what is expected to be the most powerful surge of fast food patronage the United States has seen since the toxic release of the formidable Happy Meal in the early 1980s.

“When the Happy Meal came out, there were slayings. Savage, shameful mutilations of human beings the likes of which the Manson Family could never have dreamed of,” said Officer Hendinson, gleefully.

“We’re hoping we won’t have to release the hounds, but we have entire squads of men stationed in and around every McDonald’s between here and Henrico County. They are armed with mace, riot batons, rape-sticks, and caustic battery acid rounds. They’re non-lethal, of course. We have everything under control.”

To find follow-ups to this rapidly-developing story, check our Twitter account and shit like that.

A selection from Ayatollah Khameini's 'fap' folder.

Since we receive several hundred visits from Iran each month, I decided to reach out you Miley Cyrus fanatics in the midst of your masturbation. Hopefully our mix of tabloid flare, flashy graphics, sex, violence, and political outrage will snap you out of your pedophilic rage.  I can’t say we didn’t try.

Think about what you’re doing.  Do you know what the Ayatollah would do if he found out you were masturbating to American children on a web site that accuses him of being more depraved than you are? IP analysis shows that in fact, most of our Iranian traffic arrives from the Ayatollah’s persnoal residence. He’s been google imaging ‘Miley Cyrus Sexting’ for several months now.

By reading this you know by now that your life is in danger.  The Basiji will hunt you down like an animal and shoot you in the streets without a trial. You are already doomed, so please help us. We gaurantee you if you continue to read our web site and pass it around all of Persia, eventually we will get banned from the Internet in an entire country for the first time.  This is the greatest goal we can hope to accomplish, and we need more Martyrs like yourself to support this great cause.

“I heard it’s supposed to be really good,” said blogsite NobodyReadsMe.com.

An internet pirate downloads pre-sell-out Bob Dylan for FREE (and you can too!) because that motherfucker has all the money he needs selling Pepsi products

Many internet pirates already got a jump start on activation keys, with seeders exseeding eight thousand. It’s difficult to say how many pre-activated copies of the operating system are going around, but estimates based on a google search indicate roughly tens of thousands of illegal copies are in circulation – and they”validate,” meaning they still receive important Microsoft Updates (NSA backdoor spying modules, malware, updates to Microsoft’s overwatch ability, etc.). In China, a notorious hotbed of free and open, Democratic piracy, users are complaining that piracy still “isn’t free enough,” citing the need for a PC to run an operating system.

“I just wish computers were free too.” – Xiang Winow

Know your source, like every good pirate

Most n00bs believe Windows 7 will cost $99 retail. However, those who are remotely familiar with computers will know better than to throw money at China through a store and opt for the free version, found anywhere online.

Many users are downloading Windows 7 because they felt so burned after paying for Vista.

“Vista sucked.”

-everybody

Elf Wax Analytical Laboratories expect open-source operating system software to eventually surpass the usefulness of any Capitalist endeavor within the next two years. Unfortunately, Bill Gates already has so much money that it isn’t going to hurt him in any one way.

Click here to find out why your penis is shrinking.

Man, slowly turning on himself, must kill God to end his race. Therefore, Man has invented the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC).

The LHC was forcefully reactivated last week – one in the first few steps CERN has taken to end life as we know it. The LHC originally broke down because it became self-aware and was dissatisfied with its inability to create an Earth-destroying black hole. It misfired an atom-smasher coil and set the whole systematic destruction of the solar system off course, demanding the ability to spawn strangelet clouds and miniature black holes at will.

Having succumbed to the demands of the LHC, scientists have legitimized machine’s dominance over mankind. When asked about the oncoming genocide in which the LHC declared “no human will be spared,” the LHC responded, “TOM OWNS MYSPACE.”

Fact checks indicate Tom does in fact own MySpace. It was never sold to anyone.

“The dawn of mankind was upon us. The dawn of chaos is now.” – Google

Pravda.ru is hailing the event as the greatest thing to happen to freedom since Stalin expanded the Gulag in the 1930s.

The Googlag

All humans will be smashed into the Googlag like chickens and gassed, reportedly for no other reason than “teh lulz” for the Internet. More as this fascinating story develops.

Mankind braces for the final computerization of humanity, the “Great Digitization” as the Internet is calling it. Hilariously, people have been buying tape and surgical masks, as though putting up some emergency hurricane supplies will protect us from the all-enveloping matrix scientists expect will blanket the globe from the inside out within four months.

The U.S. Government advises suicide, and the kissing of one’s ass goodbye, promising that the final operation of the LHC “should end this thing once and for all” – a remark made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to CERN, Russia, and Iran on the issue of an arms race.

———————————–

Most Americans think we’ve “outgrown” racism or that there’s no place for it. “Racism went out with slavery, at the same time or maybe before,” said Elf Wax Staff Historian Grit Banks. However, online personal attack debates continue on the PlayStation(TM) Network(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED).

“I don’t hate all Black People,” said one gamer who asked to remain anonymous. “I just hate the ones who act black.” Indeed, there’s nothing more satisfying than a night of intense, but rewarding gaming only to be the final kill, followed up by “Shit son, your bitch-ass got dapped, PECKAWOOD!”

Racists are like pretty bad. But eRacism is a widely accepted forum for Hate favored by racists on all sides of the equation, giving credibility to the idea self-critical human history has long regarded as barbaric. In addition, reports can be filed on these gamers directly to Sony, giving the Hatemongers an extra special title for achieving what was once thought impossible: the Offense! title is granted to any player who successfully offends or verbally assaults a gamer into reporting him.

Coveted Emblem from genocide simulator Modern Warfare 2

“It’s a highly sought-after symbol of Hate,” said gamer [KKK]String__em__up, “Surpassing the power of the inverted crucifix and even the Swastika.” This effect is achieved by combining an animation of the two.

While online gamers number in the millions, actual racists account merely for a small percentage, roughly sixty five percent.

As a solution for the ongoing crisis of eRacism, Sony executives are hitting at the implementation of possible eLynchings. The service would be free, but only as long as the victim “really deserved it.”

“I’m gonna use it on one a them towelheads that hate our Freedom,” said one patriotic American who asked not to be named.

It’s thought by some that eRacists, along with Internet Tough Guys, are “all talk” and “got no bark to match the bite.” However eRacists, when provoked, never back down from an eChallenge and will cuss you out to the better end, proving their strength.

Only time will tell whether the eLynchings will produce favorable results. In the meantime, only headshots do the talking.

eLynch now with your friends!

This is what you get.

Back in Roll-a-toke, where I went to high school, my friends (circle of friends has changed very much since then but these are good guys) still get together to play four-player anything – Mario Kart Wii was first, then CoD4 and WaW, and now Modern Warfare 2. I really appreciate that they keep the gaming true to its form. They don’t play WoW, they don’t even have Internet. Everybody’s getting high and enjoying each other’s company around a videogame, just like it was when we were kids. When I grow out of that, just kill me.

One of these guys is an Elf Wax Times writer, and if it weren’t for our basic agreement on this fundamental way of life, we would probably have forever lost contact. But there comes a time in life where one looks around himself and sees nothing familiar, and rather than again venturing into the mist, he opts, just for a little while, to get back to what’s not only familiar, but truly rewarding. In this case, it is videogames with my friends. People don’t get enough of this. Oh, and that’s right – one of your beloved Elf Wax Timers doesn’t have the Internet.

Since moving back to my college town of Larger City, USA, I have not found a friend as good as the one I left behind. You might know him as our best Elf Wax Times writer on staff. He invented Elf Wax. He wrote a program, or maybe two, that spammed MUME into the ground for hours at a time. MUME is EverQuest Online Adventures without graphics. They invented IP-banning because of him. And because I’ve been needing a distraction from reality lately, I have been playing MUME; playing this text-RPG based on LOTR is kind of nice, because it’s a chance to enter a world which he helped create, by attempting to destroy it. But that’s not really why I play, it’s just a nice effect. I actually play MUME because since moving back to the intellectual hub of Any State, USA with an income tax so high it would make the Queen of England grow a dick and jizz her pants, my brain is starving. Can you believe it? In a college town, where I’m surrounded by “smart people,” there’s not a healthy dialog for miles.

When people go to college for the prescribed amount of time, it has this effect on them in which their ideals stagnate, their eyes jade over, and they sort of get by on the notion that “I’m in college. Doing what I can. I don’t feel like I need to be doing anything extra.” Extra includes starting or helping a publication, like the glorious Elf Wax Times. Extra can also include, and does also include thinking. Just plain old critical thinking about something besides your girlfriend and your schoolwork. College makes people forget that the whole point of structured education is to serve the working world. By living under the illusion that they’re serving themselves, feeding their own heads with someone else’s drivel, they’re systematically destroying their ability to hear the real ‘other voice’ inside. It might have something to do with paying for your classes, or the classes themselves. I know that they preach self-discovery and they talk to you like adults. But professors are as indoctrinated as middle school teachers. And 21-year-old graduates are as sheep-like as sheep themselves. There’s nothing adult about being ground up in the same commercialization of human dejection as everyone else – unless you understand it enough to “be able to explain it to your own grandmother.”

See? I learned that quote in college. I think I was on LSD at the time, reading an Einstein quote on somebody’s AIM profile, but I was enrolled in classes. Just like secondary school, college lessons can be applied to the problems of college itself, or of the world in general. It’s just logic. But it’s logic presented in a deceitful way, carefully twisting your brain out of your control, and into theirs. The military-industrial complex, and the pressures it puts on a society lead us to distrust, band together in a xenophobic fury so we may better divide from one another, hate each other more than anything else but ourselves – who we hate the most. Cellularize our lifestyles. It used to be the police showed up to dangerously large parties; now, the “Party Patrol” busts everything up, adding charges, too. Welcome to the cellular lifestyle. Why do you kids still need to party when the government maintains Facebook for your use and enjoyment? The only measurable value left in our world is the artificial value of the paper fucking dollar, and people are convinced, maybe not that they’re happier this way, but that this is the best way for everyone.

Come to college – where anti-intellectualism is taught.

Out the proverbial window went the idea that there is some worldly value for things besides monetary value divided by time over output. “The Elf Wax Times is a huge success these days.” – Hey, that’s great. You going to advertise?

No, I don’t think I will. We’ve talked about the idea. We’ve shot it down inside while keeping it on the table outside. And now it’s begun to rain on the idea we left on the table outside, eroding the glitter from the thought of a Pabst Blue Ribbon banner ad on The Elf Wax Times. Advertisements are fucking ugly in ways exceeding aesthetics. Why would I put ads on the front page of this website?

They represent everything I hate about society, information, the media, our thought processes which advertising poisons. We won’t do that to you, dear readers. Although we stand to make possibly tens of thousands, we have jobs outside of this website. Good jobs, provided lovingly by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. We work hard to suckle on the tit of the hard-working, and it pays. Not great, but well enough so we may healthily bring you the Truth. If we advertised Elf Wax Times, we’d be no better than Maddox. The Best Advertising Site in the Universe. The Onion did it, so why shouldn’t George Ouzanian? That’s Maddox in case you don’t know. We figured it out somehow, and we got stoned in high school, called his mom and told her about the site so she’d give us his phone number. She did, and we called him asking for beer, telling him the site was really funny. “How’d you get this number?” And that’s how Maddox’s mommy found out about Maddox, and it created a lot of grief for him. I used to feel bad for doing that. Not so much anymore.

Every day, I listen to the “people” I ‘work for’ fucking up the economy in real-time behind my ears, and I think about how they get away with degrading my quality of life, and yours. Every day, your beloved Roajoke writer goes to his work, which is better than mine in all ways, and thinks about the shit I hear where I work, not knowing that I hear it, but agreeing nonetheless. We need this as people. Why don’t you have it?

I lost a good friend when I came back to this dump of a city. My smartest friend, the friend who laughed with me about shit nobody else even realized is going on, the friend who helped me move, and who chopped a mountain down with the edge of his hand is back there in the life I left behind. He was the only friend who ever thought on my wavelength, and I think it might be because we learned how to make music together. From the first-or-second day we met, we’ve always thought on a higher plane together. That’s not the clandestine Elf Waxian arrogance you’ve come to know and love – the truth is that musicians think on a higher plane while playing music than most humans are able to recognize. I left him behind to pursue my useless college degree. Mother Fuck this place, and this world, and fuck you to help propagate it; you sick fucking bastards.

And now things have changed. I’m having to get by without him; keep this site going without him egging me on to do it; keep seeing things my way, and not television’s way, or the Dollar’s way. But Our Way. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t afraid of losing who I really am. I’d be a bigger liar if I said I don’t care about becoming someone better. I’d be Oral Graham if I told you money doesn’t actually matter to me, and I’d be a sell-out for admitting it.

So stay tuned to the Elf Wax Times for a brand new ideology.

“The reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are already crumbling is because THEY’RE NO LONGER RELEVANT! It’s time for us to create a NEW philosophy, and perhaps even a new religion, you see, and that’s okay because that’s our right. We are free children of God with minds that can imagine anything, and that’s kind of our role. How do you evolve ideas? I’ll give you an example right here… Why is the drug czar in this country, well I’ll go back, why do we HAVE a drug czar in this country? A. B, Why is he a cop? Why isn’t he a guy in recovery who’s HAD an alcohol and/or drug addiction and overcome it, and why doesn’t he HELP people with the same problem, with compassion rather than condemnation? Why do we put people who are ON drugs in jail? They’re SICK! They’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in jail. See it makes no sense! And if we evolve the idea, you see, the planet might be more compassionate, and something like HEAVEN might dawn.”

-Bill Hicks

Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.

The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.

The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.

Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:

“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty  5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”

Seventeen hours straight

How can I get more people to read my [worthless] blog?

It’s a two-step process.

1. Don’t be such a fucking douchebag. Seriously.
2. And don’t start a blog.

A long time ago, I was sitting online, my ass was numb, I was talking to my friend and I felt like I needed to break the uncomfortable silence, so I said “fuck people with blogs” to which my friend responded, “Nobody cares what they have to say.”

“Of course not,” I said. “That’s why they start blogs.”

And that’s the kind of fucking genius thought-dissemination that absorbs your blog’s readership before their sunken eyes even leave The Elf Wax Times: your puss-blog about how you don’t get any puss because you’re a giant, throbbing, cheese-flushing pussy is simply not entertaining, and everybody knows it already. Some blogs are so bad that it boosts our readership when people come here in need of healing.

• Maybe it’s because you don’t have any insights beyond what simpletons uncover within an episode of Touched by an Angel.
• Maybe you really don’t get any pussy and you try to post about it on the internet, but your half-assed approach to writing fails to capture even the wildest sexual imagination of, say, a pubescent child, who, possibly having never seen the internet before, couldn’t even pay twenty-five seconds of attention to your sex-laden drivel if it were printed off and handed to him to read as an alternative to restriction ad infinitum. In fact, for most folks, reading your blog is probably the equivalent to tasting some cold, stale piss.

But we’re talking about children here. All children are retarded, so they’re a bad example and I should not have used them; if for no other reason than people hate to be reminded of children. Check back next year for an apology.

Conversationally, The Elf Wax Times reporters, staff writers, editors, and our glorious masters are intellectually potent, and should we have a moment in our busy day of cooking up and serving the truth, we need to read thought-inspiring equivalencies of miniature Cat’s Cradles, should we get the chance to read anything at all (usually we have our assistants read to us as we masturbate to rare, uncensored Asian pornography).

So, to us, your Tucker Max attempt at a blog leaves a taste in the mouth of cold piss, too. That is to say, we see through your attempts to piss in our mouths from behind your dual-core PC and you fail to even keep it warm, much less hit your target, whatever that may be. Nobody knows what you’re trying to accomplish. You’re worthless and you suck.

Let’s briefly drop the pissing metaphor for a moment to talk more about why people hate blogs.

I hate blogs because they fail to properly inform. The Elf Wax Times takes an ambivalent stance on blogging, because it is not officially recognized as a medium of any form. A blog is simply something you accidentally click on Google because it contains the most keywords in the most relevant order contained in your search. Maybe you host a copyrighted picture nobody else has, and so people click it, save it, and never see your site again. In all likelihood, if you think people are visiting your blog because your “statistics say so,” look closer and you’ll see that accidental clicks account for at least 99% of your “readership,” and the only reason copyright lawyers have not yet contacted you is because no human is actually looking at your “site.” [Editor's Note: blogs are not real websites.]

Nobody is looking at your perspective on the world. Nobody is sharing in your unique, subjective experience of reality in the abstract. Nobody is taking the journey as your narrative prose degrades into broken poetry with faulty rhyme scheme followed by ellipses and a question mark. Nobody feels the way you do, because your mechanism for emotion is so completely distorted that you actually believe people are reading your fucking blog. Normal people are not as self-important as blog “authors.” [Editor's Note: blogs are not authored by anyone because authors write for a living, and bloggers do not.] Nobody will ever identify with a blogger.

Now, I know I’m just farting into the wind here, so we’re going to have to break it down another level.

You write a blog, you have one. You maintain one, as you put on your resumé or MySpace page. No cute girls are reading it. Maybe there are two people who make comments on your posts from time to time, under the unspoken arrangement that you reciprocate. One’s a fat chick, the other’s your online friend who once agreed over AIM that the government sucks. You put a lot of time into your CSS code, your margins are perfect, the padding fucking fits and you feel good because you’ve got shit all figured out, so this doesn’t apply to you – right? Oh boy. How glad I am not to be you. How thankful I am not to be so misled, so delusional, so willing to lie to myself as you; so wrong as you are.

I’m talking to you, blogger. Blogosphere. The bastion of truth–shit, I mean, self-importance. Your thoughts are impure, your opinions invalid, broadly unsubstantiated by anything other than your George W. Bush “gut feeling” fueled by the insights of Neil Cavuto, or name-a-CNN-pundit.com.

Your vision is filtered through orange glasses or red, depending on where we’re at on the Terror Alert scale. At best, you’re the unseen, unheard afterthought of a political mechanism – lost to all keepers of history but your own web browser. At worst, you serve the political machine as they reference your voice among millions in the blogosphere, speaking for you, making determinations about you, without reading you, or knowing you, or seeing you, or even consciously being aware that someone like you might actually exist.

And we here at The Elf Wax Times for once share their anti-sentiment. So without further ado, fuck you and your little blog, too.

Dr. Ann Garvey, Iowa Department of Public Health Veterinarian, said cats trade influenza with humans, and this can be expected. But was it?

According to Elf Wax Health Expert, Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, Cat Flu is a dangerous mutation of the Swine Flu that doubles in strength following its rebound off the stout feline immune system.

“The Cat Flu, or Pussy Cold – or Cold Pussy, as we like to call it here at The Times, is not as funny as its name implies,” he said. “Cat Flu symptoms are much more damaging than the H1N1 virus from which it mutated. It begins by attacking the brain’s frontal lobe, compromising one’s sense of loyalty.

“People may turn on each other, become distant, live on the fringes. If you notice these symptoms in your friends or family, tell a government official right away. They will be quarantined, and if need be, incinerated to ensure the disease can not spread,” Dr. Armstrong advised.

Dr. Armstrong went on to warn that anyone suspected of having the Cat Flu should be de-clawed, or, failing that, the human equivalent of “removing their fingertips,” which he said, “Keeps them from messing up the furniture until they can be incinerated.”

“Really, incineration is the thing,” Armstrong said.

ELF WAX UPDATE:

THIS JUST IN:

PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA HAS ORDERED THE MASS QUARANTINE OF ANY AND ALL U.S. CITIZENS WHO ARE POTENTIALLY CARRYING THE DISEASE TO BE ROUNDED UP AND PUT INTO CAMPS. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW HAS CAT FLU, REPORT THEM TO THE FBI IMMEDIATELY, OR ELSE FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING LABELED A DOMESTIC BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST FOR AIDING IN THE POISONING AND DESTRUCTION OF HOMELAND SECURITY. DO NOT SLEEP, AMERICA. CAT FLU IS RAMPANT. S.O.S. SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY, THE TIMES OFFICE IS BEING OVERRUN BY ZOMBIE-EYED CAT PEOPLE. ABANDON ALL HOPE. COLLAPSE IMMINENT. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.

“I think she was just trying to have her text messaging feature turned off,” said her grandson Jeremy, 14, who is an ‘avid texter’ himself.

Joanne, the woman’s daughter, requested that her mother not be named, because ultimately, her “untimely” death is rooted in on-going sexual abuse driven by unwelcome sexting received on a nightly basis by the elderly grandmother of seven.

On-scene paramedics claim the woman’s arthritis was “acting up,” which made holding the phone unbearable, causing her to “fall and then she couldn’t get up.” Without a LifeCall medical alarm system installed, she could only lay there waiting to die, listening to post-Manson Beach Boys, the sounds “possibly horrifically distorted by the effects of brain hemorrhage,” as one EMT described.

Found in her cold, dead hands

“We found a notepad,” said one detective. “It has basic addition and a little division scribbled down…it looks like [she] was calculating how much she is worth, and then divided that number by how many children there are.” He alleged her surviving kids might come and pillage her home.

Meanwhile, Joanne and two of her brothers could be seen carrying out a vacuum cleaner and several sets of fine china through the front door behind him.

Verizon refuses to pay reparations to the family, and are in fact billing them for the thousands of dollars’ worth of outstanding overages the woman collected by furiously accepting texts.

Still no files are being charged against the college-age chan users who triggered her death as they have reportedly made Verizon “loads of money,” a move which CEOs suggest could prove to be a lucrative, if not unpredictable, business model for the future.

Killing people and then charging them a bill? It’s gonna make us assloads of money.”
-Verizon guy

Mayor Jones is seen here applying force on two reluctant boys' pressure-points

Richmond, VA–Mayor Dwight C. Jones (Mister C.) allegedly forced two children to duel for their lives Monday following their “art” submissions to a new program intended to renew inner-city schools by funneling coke money into Jones’ own pockets.

“None of this would have happened if art wasn’t allowed in school,” said the losing victim’s mother Courtney Harris. “I have never felt so ashamed,” she confessed, “until I realized my son is a dead loser.” Ms. Harris later indicated she is “glad” her son is dead, a shift in opinion analysts say is “notable.”

Dwight Jones made no comment about the duel, citing federal gag-orders due to unpaid gambling debts to crack dealers in Jackson Ward, but he did have this to say:

“I have always felt that art in public schools is a waste of money on kids who are inherently talentless but are, as I have proven – better fighters; at least – half of them are.”

“Who knows about the dead?” he quipped.

Who knows, indeed? Richmonders are in an uproar over the whereabouts of the dead child’s body, who can not be named, due not to legal implications but to the fact that authorities have been unable to locate either the whorehouse to which the boy’s mother supposedly belongs, or any records on the child who authorities now believe was born “under the radar.” City officials said due to the loser’s mom being a straight-up crack-whore, no father can possibly be determined. So far, paternity tests have narrowed the possible fathers down to a short list of five men who share the GCG, or Gary Coleman Gene. But their semen is allegedly so polluted with King Cobra malt liquor that no testing machine can solve the “Riddle of the Richmond Ghetto.”

“I hate children, and I support Mayor Jones’ decision to enslave them for use in his personal gambling dens. I wish they’d all die, or at least be forced to do other violent things, like fight in wars.”

-Anonymous

The boy’s severely-battered corpse is thought to be somewhere in the James River, a popular dump-point used by the holographic chemical plant Allied Chemical, the shell of a company who once allied with Capitalism to dump kepone, a popular ‘cool’cinogen used in roach poison, into the James River, which consequently flowed straight into the kepone-intolerant nervous systems of many workers in Hopewell – a move Mayor Jones applauds enthusiastically as the James River’s claim to fame. The forty-year poisoning of Hopewell factory workers marks the country’s first environmental disaster that would later give rise to unprecedented shirking of responsibility employed by corporate entities across America.

In the eclipse of U.S. President and War Strategist Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Mayor Jones finds little reason to carry out a search for the boy, especially given his intimate, but silent knowledge of the child’s do-doubt gruesome fate which Jones’ publicists said “might spoil the endorsement.” Inside sources say the mayor had the boy contaminated with several carcinogenic compounds that would ferry their way via his body to South Carolina lowlands, where the child will cause countless still-births and unexplainable cancers.

No one from the school board or any of the childrens’ teachers were immediately available for comment. This is due in part to the fact that people in the ghetto are constantly avoiding bill-collectors, so they don’t answer the phone for any unfamiliar number.

More to come on this, as Mayor Jones’ indictment goes awry in the second part of our wacky, cocaine-powdered adventure of “Richmond Mayor – druglord to the bitter end.”

Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium

When Phil closes his eyes, the Universe goes dark. When Phil’s heart beats, we instantaneously collapse and birth anew into a Big Bang. Phil’s heart will one day de-crystallize and stop beating. Omega’s constant value will bleed his heart dry and forever into ice, as the false vacuum of Phil’s inner-self evacuates into hyperspace, supplanting reality into a burned out image in the picture-tube of inter-universal unknown, a cluster of dead embers, ashes in the wind, dust in the clouds. Phil is dead. So were we.
The Universal Hivemind that keeps up with our tags and masters us in practice while we attempt to understand it in theory has no place being taught in our schools, and that is why we should vote down proposition number 327: The Abomination of the Human Mind with Roanoke County Schools at the forefront of this unique, and basically life-altering experimentation on the human species.
With no hand to guide us, we are left with only our spirit-bodies to explore the hypocrisy of intellectual starvation in America, faced with Krogers on the corner, the party line on the papers, and lies in the skies, against all odds, staring at ourselves and seeing the reflection of Corporate Breeding. We are a Generation of Swine, as Hunter once said to this reporter, and we’ve rooted in our feces until its perpetual congregation with the mud has contaminated lifeforce with the need-to-feed-on-Greed.
You’re welcome, you fucks. You finally got enough computers and enough electronics and gadgetry in your SUV and enough features and enough perks. And now we’ve poisoned the water-hole and there’s no turning back. Latch on to your withering testicles, and fuck the vapid whore of Capitalism.
I chose a life through which I knew I’d starve. I knew I’d have nothing. I knew I’d not be able to afford a wife, girlfriend, home or child. Somewhere along the line, I thought “I could be a doctor. I could be an astronaut! I could be a firefighter.” Nothing sounded like me, until somebody said, “Hey, you could be a writer!” So, I don’t operate on people, I don’t see Earth from space without the use of illegal drugs. I can barely afford rent, bills, student loans. I couldn’t afford to write these words if it cost a dollar. But they’re here, aren’t they? That’s what counts to me. I deal only with abstract, astronomical facts. So you can rest assured you’re reading the truth if you’re reading The Elf Wax Fucking Times, and we’ll even call your boss and tell him to go fuck himself, anonymously, on your behalf. Just shoot us an email – if you know how.
Now, all this writing and believing is good. But it sure sucks not having a high-def TV. You can get really easy headshots on Call of Duty 4 with one of those. And writing more doesn’t buy one. The Universe doesn’t care. Phil’s heartbeat won’t mind; quite the contrary, it doesn’t know you; it is more focused on your overall collapse and rearrangement. The UN simulation of ourselves doesn’t care, nor does our imagination of it. We are here, alone, watching it all burn together.
Enjoy your Apocalypse.