We’re not doing advertisements.

This is what you get.

Back in Roll-a-toke, where I went to high school, my friends (circle of friends has changed very much since then but these are good guys) still get together to play four-player anything – Mario Kart Wii was first, then CoD4 and WaW, and now Modern Warfare 2. I really appreciate that they keep the gaming true to its form. They don’t play WoW, they don’t even have Internet. Everybody’s getting high and enjoying each other’s company around a videogame, just like it was when we were kids. When I grow out of that, just kill me.

One of these guys is an Elf Wax Times writer, and if it weren’t for our basic agreement on this fundamental way of life, we would probably have forever lost contact. But there comes a time in life where one looks around himself and sees nothing familiar, and rather than again venturing into the mist, he opts, just for a little while, to get back to what’s not only familiar, but truly rewarding. In this case, it is videogames with my friends. People don’t get enough of this. Oh, and that’s right – one of your beloved Elf Wax Timers doesn’t have the Internet.

Since moving back to my college town of Larger City, USA, I have not found a friend as good as the one I left behind. You might know him as our best Elf Wax Times writer on staff. He invented Elf Wax. He wrote a program, or maybe two, that spammed MUME into the ground for hours at a time. MUME is EverQuest Online Adventures without graphics. They invented IP-banning because of him. And because I’ve been needing a distraction from reality lately, I have been playing MUME; playing this text-RPG based on LOTR is kind of nice, because it’s a chance to enter a world which he helped create, by attempting to destroy it. But that’s not really why I play, it’s just a nice effect. I actually play MUME because since moving back to the intellectual hub of Any State, USA with an income tax so high it would make the Queen of England grow a dick and jizz her pants, my brain is starving. Can you believe it? In a college town, where I’m surrounded by “smart people,” there’s not a healthy dialog for miles.

When people go to college for the prescribed amount of time, it has this effect on them in which their ideals stagnate, their eyes jade over, and they sort of get by on the notion that “I’m in college. Doing what I can. I don’t feel like I need to be doing anything extra.” Extra includes starting or helping a publication, like the glorious Elf Wax Times. Extra can also include, and does also include thinking. Just plain old critical thinking about something besides your girlfriend and your schoolwork. College makes people forget that the whole point of structured education is to serve the working world. By living under the illusion that they’re serving themselves, feeding their own heads with someone else’s drivel, they’re systematically destroying their ability to hear the real ‘other voice’ inside. It might have something to do with paying for your classes, or the classes themselves. I know that they preach self-discovery and they talk to you like adults. But professors are as indoctrinated as middle school teachers. And 21-year-old graduates are as sheep-like as sheep themselves. There’s nothing adult about being ground up in the same commercialization of human dejection as everyone else – unless you understand it enough to “be able to explain it to your own grandmother.”

See? I learned that quote in college. I think I was on LSD at the time, reading an Einstein quote on somebody’s AIM profile, but I was enrolled in classes. Just like secondary school, college lessons can be applied to the problems of college itself, or of the world in general. It’s just logic. But it’s logic presented in a deceitful way, carefully twisting your brain out of your control, and into theirs. The military-industrial complex, and the pressures it puts on a society lead us to distrust, band together in a xenophobic fury so we may better divide from one another, hate each other more than anything else but ourselves – who we hate the most. Cellularize our lifestyles. It used to be the police showed up to dangerously large parties; now, the “Party Patrol” busts everything up, adding charges, too. Welcome to the cellular lifestyle. Why do you kids still need to party when the government maintains Facebook for your use and enjoyment? The only measurable value left in our world is the artificial value of the paper fucking dollar, and people are convinced, maybe not that they’re happier this way, but that this is the best way for everyone.

Come to college – where anti-intellectualism is taught.

Out the proverbial window went the idea that there is some worldly value for things besides monetary value divided by time over output. “The Elf Wax Times is a huge success these days.” – Hey, that’s great. You going to advertise?

No, I don’t think I will. We’ve talked about the idea. We’ve shot it down inside while keeping it on the table outside. And now it’s begun to rain on the idea we left on the table outside, eroding the glitter from the thought of a Pabst Blue Ribbon banner ad on The Elf Wax Times. Advertisements are fucking ugly in ways exceeding aesthetics. Why would I put ads on the front page of this website?

They represent everything I hate about society, information, the media, our thought processes which advertising poisons. We won’t do that to you, dear readers. Although we stand to make possibly tens of thousands, we have jobs outside of this website. Good jobs, provided lovingly by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. We work hard to suckle on the tit of the hard-working, and it pays. Not great, but well enough so we may healthily bring you the Truth. If we advertised Elf Wax Times, we’d be no better than Maddox. The Best Advertising Site in the Universe. The Onion did it, so why shouldn’t George Ouzanian? That’s Maddox in case you don’t know. We figured it out somehow, and we got stoned in high school, called his mom and told her about the site so she’d give us his phone number. She did, and we called him asking for beer, telling him the site was really funny. “How’d you get this number?” And that’s how Maddox’s mommy found out about Maddox, and it created a lot of grief for him. I used to feel bad for doing that. Not so much anymore.

Every day, I listen to the “people” I ‘work for’ fucking up the economy in real-time behind my ears, and I think about how they get away with degrading my quality of life, and yours. Every day, your beloved Roajoke writer goes to his work, which is better than mine in all ways, and thinks about the shit I hear where I work, not knowing that I hear it, but agreeing nonetheless. We need this as people. Why don’t you have it?

I lost a good friend when I came back to this dump of a city. My smartest friend, the friend who laughed with me about shit nobody else even realized is going on, the friend who helped me move, and who chopped a mountain down with the edge of his hand is back there in the life I left behind. He was the only friend who ever thought on my wavelength, and I think it might be because we learned how to make music together. From the first-or-second day we met, we’ve always thought on a higher plane together. That’s not the clandestine Elf Waxian arrogance you’ve come to know and love – the truth is that musicians think on a higher plane while playing music than most humans are able to recognize. I left him behind to pursue my useless college degree. Mother Fuck this place, and this world, and fuck you to help propagate it; you sick fucking bastards.

And now things have changed. I’m having to get by without him; keep this site going without him egging me on to do it; keep seeing things my way, and not television’s way, or the Dollar’s way. But Our Way. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t afraid of losing who I really am. I’d be a bigger liar if I said I don’t care about becoming someone better. I’d be Oral Graham if I told you money doesn’t actually matter to me, and I’d be a sell-out for admitting it.

So stay tuned to the Elf Wax Times for a brand new ideology.

“The reason our institutions, our traditional religions, are already crumbling is because THEY’RE NO LONGER RELEVANT! It’s time for us to create a NEW philosophy, and perhaps even a new religion, you see, and that’s okay because that’s our right. We are free children of God with minds that can imagine anything, and that’s kind of our role. How do you evolve ideas? I’ll give you an example right here… Why is the drug czar in this country, well I’ll go back, why do we HAVE a drug czar in this country? A. B, Why is he a cop? Why isn’t he a guy in recovery who’s HAD an alcohol and/or drug addiction and overcome it, and why doesn’t he HELP people with the same problem, with compassion rather than condemnation? Why do we put people who are ON drugs in jail? They’re SICK! They’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in jail. See it makes no sense! And if we evolve the idea, you see, the planet might be more compassionate, and something like HEAVEN might dawn.”

-Bill Hicks

PANAMA- A disgusting abomination of nature rose from the murky depths today, frightening children by begging them for a “precious” golden ring.  Of course, the children knew not to trust this hideous monster and summarily stoned it to death, as per the teachings of The Elf Wax Times resident cryptozoologist Manny Hansfield.

This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.

This photograph was taken shortly after the creature died, but before it mysteriously disappeared. Our Evolutionary Analysts have made integral discoveries regarding the nature of this animal by thorough dissection of this photograph.

The Loch Ness Monster and similair creatures have long been known by science to be serpentine aquatic Mammals, driven to their specific body shape through convergent evolution with horrible sea serpents that share the same niche in the oceans.

Bigfoot, a land dwelling biped, appears to share a common ancestor with both the creature of Loch Ness and the monster from Panama.

“Three million years ago we expect that a strange semi-aquatic biped roamed the ice-bridge between Europe and America, avoiding pre-Eskimos as much as possible due to their horrendous smell.  Some of this creature’s descendants became Arctic Seals; some migrated onto land, and some remained in the lochs of Scotland and the Great Lakes of America.  This Panama creature represents a relic population similar to the line which migrated onto the to land and became what we now know as Bigfoot.”

The sentence for all monsters is death at the hands of children.

Collective relief among cryptozoologists at this new understanding of Earth’s ecosystem has allowed many to begin work on more pragmatic pursuits.  Rather then spending months in the wild on the hunt for Bigfoot, some biologists have taken to fabricating their own hoax mammal photographs which, in spite of their blatant non-existence, have already been sold to the major news networks. Other biologists have been putting in “real time” towards genetically engineering bacteria that will use nuclear fission as a source of energy, giving it comic book-style attributes.  For example, a specific breed of these cells will be able to infect any living body, re-animate it, and send it on a berserk rampage in furious pursuit of more hosts.

“In the real world, ‘mad scientists’ pursue Bigfoot and Nessie.  Now they don’t have that pursuit and are either in complete denial of this fact or have ‘cracked’ and are attempting to use their sparse knowledge of biochemistry to destroy humanity. In all likelihood they will fail miserably, but in light of recent success we should take their endeavors quite seriously.” -Manny Hansfield, cryptozoologist and inventor of the fissilium zomfectus bacteria strain.

WASHINGTON, DC, UTAH–The Elf Wax Times announced today its 1,000th reader in just one week. Executive Editor, Steve Grabowski, said The Elf Wax Times has been spammed with Google Image results almost exclusively under the keywords ‘Miley Cyrus sexting.’ An army of 4chan porn addicts, unable to get off to anything that isn’t a sext message, have been in search of “moar” Miley Cyrus “n00dz” and have found Miley’s infamous sexting image located within our scathing commentary on sexting among America’s youth.

“The Elf Wax Times spiked 500 hits last night alone due to a mix-up around nude photographs Miley sexted out to Nick Jonas,” Grabowski said.

Nick Jonas is reported to sport a so-called “purity cockring” in an image he sexted in response to Miley’s now infamous, but typical, “tease” sext. According to an employee at Verizon’s sext message monitoring headquarters, the rumors are true, but Miley Cyrus sends out these kinds of texts all the time to her family members. “Especially the father.”

“Glory holes in Roanoke, VA” is also turning up “mad results” according to a recent Google Analytics poll, and more users find themselves reading the Times than ever before, when they meant to find elven pornography or how-to guides for waxing a pussy. “People and their cats,” commented Grabowski, with a shake of the head.

It’s a well-known fact that if God intended for cats to be naked and pink, he would have birthed them that way, or burned a few with solar flares. But God works in mysterious ways, sometimes neglecting facts altogether, as one Elf Wax Times reader found out the hard way.

“I was searching for Jesus,” he said with a pause, and trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

The sext heard 'round the world

But even inadvertent Elf Wax Timers are converting to full-time readers, according to some contrived interpretation of a combination of anecdotal results. For instance, one reader who searched “whore lithium weed” happened to dig 11 pages deep into the Times. Looks like somebody found what they came for!

The entire Elf Wax staff could not be reached immediately, and the office voicemail redirected to a vacation response from Easter which connected reporters to a full mailbox in which no message could be left or returned.

Elf Wax staff writer Cold Hard Truth was not immediately available for comment, but wrote an email to the editor saying, “I once had a job installing cable for the cable company. One time I had to go in ‘their kid’s room.’ There was this big nine-foot retard standing behind me in the corner, the whole time, breathing real hard and real loud – and just staring at me, watching my every move. Just staring, and breathing, stopping only once to piss himself and scream. I imagine having a big nine-foot-retard with jaundice could come in handy at times. But not when you need cable installed. That freaked me out. Do you think hermaphrodites, like true hermaphrodites, could get themselves pregnant? And like, clone themselves?”

His email response went on like this for another two pages attached to a .avi file of Japanese piss bukkake, and was completely irrelevant to the questions reporters asked.

All attempts to reach Wayne were futile, as a Spanish-speaking woman answered his publicly-listed phone number demanding cocaine in exchange for a beheading she’d performed just moments earlier. An ape was heard howling in the background, believed by sources to be owned by Wayne himself, or traded on the black market, again, for drugs or possibly even “sexual favors” according to the woman when asked about the noise. “He do lots of thing.”

Steve Grabowski said the Elf Wax Times is growing at up to 100 percent on good days, and as low as “90 percent on a slow day.”

“Mostly,” he added, “People just plain don’t know how to search for porn, and they wind up here. But we gladly welcome you. Sick, twisted fucking perverts are the backbone of The Elf Wax Times.”

And so are you. Thanks, dear readers. Keep refreshing the Elf Wax Times for the latest news on things that happened a few days ago. Also, be the first to get to Elf Wax Times by Googling ‘marijuana’ and win a free trip to an  F.B.I. holding facility!

The Elf Wax Times has no relation to the ELF, an eco-terror group which has claimed responsibility for several recent terror attacks. We hate the environment.

Internet. You give me a lot of problems. But mostly you just give me solutions. Actually more problems.

Number one, I do not know what to masturbate to – you are just so full of surprises!

Number two, I can’t trust Wikipedia. Anybody can edit that shit! Come on now! That’s got to make it the worst source of reliable information since Pepsi’s homepage.

Number three, Google. WHAT THE FUCK YOU CONTROL INFORMATION, WAY TO GO. You are the Wal-Mart of the Internet.

Number four, Net Neutrality. You are the single most stressful term about the internet. I’d die protecting you, if I didn’t know you’d still be sold right out from underneath us, destroying freedom of speech and free enterprise as we know it.

Number five, you’ve changed the news. Like porn, you used to have to pay for the news in some way – even if it was just an advertisement on TV. Now, you don’t have to pay for shit. Way to go, internet. I won’t have a job after I graduate. But what the fuck do you care? With each keystroke, I’ve done a little more work for you – for free.

Number six – I just heard Barack Obama can take control over the entire internet in the event of a “data emergency” – Obama can privately Google himself in the dark now. He will start a blog about something that matters a lot to him. Or just look at porn. Note: this came from FOX News, so it is probably true. I did zero fact-checking for your convenience.

Number seven – you’ve dissolved friendships using fakebook and myplace. I have to commend you for this. I thought I’d never be able to keep an endless supply-chain of excuses going not to hang out with “friends.” Now that we’re always friends no matter what I do, I can ignore them forever and die alone! Just the way you told me I always wanted it.

Number eight – How in the Lord Fuck am I supposed to turn my back on you knowing you hold the entire wealth of collective human knowledge? I once stayed on the internet for four days, tripping on morning glory seeds and reading desperately about String Theory, believing I was looking God in the eye. Now, I can only live out my day-to-day “sunshine” life knowing that I’ve turned my back on the source of all things known so I can make pizzas, rent movies, and park old rich fuckers’ cars. I’m sorry Internet. I didn’t intend on having a real life. I promise to quit a job for you one day.

Number nine – youtube – what’s with the copyright bullshit? How long are we going to pretend like China doesn’t get away with piracy 1,000 times per second?

Which leads me to number ten: BIT TORRENTS!!! SWEET JESUS I BET THE SUPREME COURT WISHES THEY NEVER FUCKED WITH NAPSTER! TV shows, entire albums, fuck – whole discographies – of any band, whether they suck or not, are there for the taking. If Bit Torrent was a store at the mall, a mall that also had a GameStop, Best Buy, SunCoast Videos (or whatever that video store is called), and an adult book store, the Bit Torrent would act as a black hole and just fucking consume those wussy “capitalist ventures” in the name of EVERYBODY TAKE THIS SHIT BECAUSE IT’S FREE AND ONLY CHUMPS AND DUDES IN BANDS PAY FOR IT. “Support live music” is totally my thing. But I’ll download your album, if you just promise to come back to my city next year so I can pay to meet you. I don’t buy CDs. That’s for people who still watch MTV. Although I did buy that sweet stereoscopic Tool album. Great driving music! The whole album is listenable.

And finally The Elf Wax Times – it’s got to be the best thing since marijuana, our top keyword. This place means more to me than season 22 of the Simpsons. Funnier than Nickelodeon’s “Doug.” Twice as entertaining as a new Law and Order. More culturally relevant than Monica Lewinski. More up to date than Weenus, Incorporated. Better than you. And huffing paint since 2008. FUCK YEAH GOLD BLING BLING – TASTE HEAVEN!

Staff Writer - Elf Wax Times

So fuck you, Internet. I have to be awake in three hours. Plus I’m drunk. Fuck you internet. You don’t understand me. Your whole operation is fuck you internet! I will kill you. After Hussein Backara shuts you down, I will choke you to death in a field. Stupid internet.

Google Elf Wax. Click “fuck you.” It’s gotta be an option there somewhere.

Houston, Tx. – As Elf Wax’s newest writer, I’d like to thank you all for your great support getting me on the staff, thank you members of the Internet for voting for me.

I will not let you down!

So I’d like to start off by naming a few things I’m for, and a few things I’m against.

Things I am for:

• Banning of the health care reform bill
• Death panels, I hope, will still be on the table
• World War II memorabilia
• Waxing my car. It’s a restored Hudson!
• Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
• dog fighting

Things I am against/hunting to kill:

• Martha Stewart
• Other inside traders
• Bill Clinton going over to his friend Kim jong-Il’s house
• Communists
• People who are too anti-Communist
• People who ain’t Americans
• Foreigners
• Just plain outsiders that ain’t from here
• the health care reform bill
• Hugh Jackman

Mostly I said people, but I wrote things. I do that sometimes, just like when I eat people but I mean to eat steak and cheese subway sandwiches.

I’m a professional dog-fighter by trade. I fights pit-bulls.

Now, I intend to bring something new to the table, something Elf Wax hasn’t seen before – something fresh – something that should make viewing the E.W. Times from work even harder than it already is. What is that?

RACISM

But before we get on with that, I think it’s time we brought it back. And I think it’s time you looked at a picture of a little girl and thought something negative for a change. So here you go:

Yes he did

Don’t worry, there’s more of this coming. Actually right now in a minute.

You think this shit is funny? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean really, why do you come here? Are you trying to tell me something? Look, just stop right there – hold your horses. I want feedback. Email me write now – press@elfwax.com – we have giveaways, hourly, weekly, we are doing great things for you faithful readers out there because you’ve all been so good to us. We appreciate your phone calls, emails, e-cards, chain letters, spam – all of it.

Tell me what you’re doing here. Why are you here? Don’t have email!@? Just post a comment. I read them all. Over and over. It’s all I’ve got, really.

I want to live for it – I…want to live for you, the Elf Wax Timers out there. You’re truly the best audience we could ever ask for and you don’t even kill in our name. I’ve been a long-time contributor to Elf Wax for many many years but this is the first time they’ve ever come and asked me to write anything for you, so there you go. I’m going to be here for a while, now. But don’t get used to me! The Italians may come and take me away at just about any moment. I’m a dangerous criminal wanted abroad for unspeakable crimes against humanity. Thank God for The Elf Wax Times standing up for the First Amendment by allowing to me write behind total anonymity!

I’d like to leave you with a little song. Look this up on bit torrents:

Prussian Blue – The Snow Fell

—————————————————————————————————————–

Elf Wax does not claim any responsibility for respect lost as a result of your personal adoption of its beliefs, values or lifestyles, or of Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC) itself. Additionally, Lebal Drocer denies all responsibility for its child companies and/or anything else that any court of law can prove it does or facilitates. Additionally, we can not be held responsible for the views expressed by our writers because we have nothing to do with the publishing of this site. Keywords such as responsibility, integrity, subpoena, and accountability will not be found associated with The Elf Wax Times on Google. So please, refrain from laying any of that shit on us.

That being said, Doctor Langstrom T. Mann has issued a health warning for all cookie-dough products on store shelves during the week of August 28th, citing labwork that indicates the tainted cookie-dough carries a rare “laughing bug.” The laughing bug, experts say, is a condition in which the person affected laughs uncontrollably at stuff that isn’t even really all that funny – like new episodes of The Simpsons.

Leading health experts are suggesting the only way America is going to make it through this season of The Simpsons is to buy up as many packets of tainted cookie dough possible.

Additionally, the following people are to blame for hurricane Katrina:

1. You
2. Mr. President
3. Old Man Weather

A Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.

The 54-year-old Monopoly slumlord struck the woman in the head, breaking her glasses, she told authorities, forcing the unfair trade with his thug-like business tactics. After knocking her block off, he seized the properties in question without tendering any payment whatsoever.

Some sources have rumored that he placed hotels on the property without making the proper payments. Yet another source claims he manipulated the bank, causing a microcosm of the real-life housing crisis. “He was cooking the books,” said fictitious money analyst Jim Cramer.

The monopoly slum lord was arrested shortly after the game and charged with racketeering in addition to assault and battery.

The man was ordered not to pass go, and not to collect two hundred dollars and then sent directly to jail.  However, he quickly paid the standard $50 bail bond and was set free next turn.

“He should be roaming the streets by morning,” the rule book says.

The gubment took my pension, and other short stories

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet.

Yes sir, there’s nothing like a quick pick-me-up from Uncle Sam for when the government gets you down.

Are you stuck in the same old routine of DUI charges and riding your bicycle through the ghetto? Say goodbye to your sore, sweaty ass that gets oh-so-tender from that unloving bike seat, and say hello to driving without a license!

Your rebellion will not go unnoticed. When the poe leece attempt to pull you over, you’ll be ready with a big middle-finger displayed prominently through your driver’s side window as you fail to submit to the unyielding authority of “the law.” [more like the "hell naw" am I right?]

They will be dumbfounded by your brazen display of courage under fire – literally – when your own determination shields you from the resulting hail of gunfire. Like Superman in the intro to that show that wasn’t titled “Superman” for whatever fucking reason, you will stand tall, deflecting their ammunition and teargas bombs defiantly, proudly, staring off over the horizon, like Barack Obama would do, as you wonder whether you’ll eat burgers or steaks for dinner tonight.

Yes, you too can live above the law without bearing the inconvenience of living “below radar” using a proper sense of self-entitlement and belligerence, adding just a pinch of tenacity punctuated by your complete ignorance.

“Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy.”

Fuck the police!

————————————————————————-

This has been a message from your local Roanoke County Law Overenforcement Agency. Stay in school. Or drop out. We make money off you either way.

————————————————————————-

Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax Update:

————————————————————————-

I can hear ‘em talking to me. I swear to God that motherfucking satellite dish won’t quieten down.

They’re sending orders for Lee Iacocca. Tony Danza. Doctor Zhivago. It’s an uprising. Lee Iacocca, to save GM from a second bankruptcy, is redesigning Hitler’s limousine, adding soundproof windows and updating it with modern XM Satellite Radio. “SIRIUS is optional for you Howard Stern fans.”

Danza will drive, and the Doc – well, the Doc is there in case things get too Harry. You see, we’re headin’ up to Washington tonight to let Viceroy Hussein know the score, that WE know the score that WE know what is really happening behind those closed doors. God damn it, the’Merican people got a right to know, and we ain’t gonna let no motherfuckers stand in our way of that right. We didn’t let the Koreans. We didn’t let the Japs. And we sure as hell ain’t gonna let ourselves.

If anybody’s gonna stand in the way of liberties, it’s gonna be me and Jesus, God willing. God fuckin’ willing.

How many Hail Mary’s is that? I’ll do four.

We ain’t gonna let ‘em take away our American Dream from us, ain’t no way no fuckin’ how motherfucker. That’s why we’re comin’. Rollin’ three deep with Doctor Zhivago in that bullet proof Hitler-mobile, man the fuckin’ Pope hail Mary ain’t got shit on this shit. That Pope mobile’s a fuckin’ joke right now, but Osama Hussein Bomberman’s gonna wish he had the Popemobile when we roll up on that shit with Hitler’s limo, baby!

What do we know that needs to be put out in the open? Well, if we fucking knew it, we wouldn’t be so hard-up wanting the government to disclose what it knows about aliens, then would we? Use your fuckin’ heads man. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Free energy, crop circles, god damn interstellar dimensional hyperdrives of UNKNOWN FUCKIN PROPORTIONS gateways to heaven and hell, Christ almighty are you fucking blind. The corporations, man. GM, Hybrid vehicles, all that’s bullshit. We invented free fuckin energy decades ago but those shit-for-brains motherfuckers in the oil industry – bought ‘em up – shelved it – and keep chokin’ our dicks for every last cent. I’m pissin’ pennies, now baby, we can’t even GAS UP THAT FUCKIN HITLER MOBILE with premium, we’re putting unleaded 87 in her and hoping the piece of shit don’t crap out halfway to Memphis. Fuckin’ Germans had it right, SIEG HEIL means build my motherfuckin’ POPEMOBILE TO IACOCCAN STANDARDS.

————————————————————————-

Elf Wax Update:

This is part seven of a five-part series on insanity, brought to you by the homeless guy you ignore each day on your walk home from work.

Roanoke, Va. – Steve Grabowski, a Roanoke factory worker, was disappointed Saturday by rubbery macaroni after re-heating it following a four-hour online-gaming binge during which he forget his girlfriend had prepared their dinner and left it sitting on his desk.

“It just wasn’t the same afterward,” Steve said with a grimace. “It was just so dry. It all stuck together, in one big clump.”

When asked to describe the sound the Velveeta shells ‘n cheese made under his fork, Steve simply stared at the floor and shook his head, saying, “There’s no mistaking that sound. It didn’t sound dry. It sounded ready. But it wasn’t. It would never be ready again.”

Experts told Elf Wax reporters that macaroni, when ready to eat, makes no sound at all. In a telephoned interview, Jack ReNeur of the Polytechnic Institute of Sound (Miami Fla.), said good macaroni “rolls in its cheesy lubricant,” and should exhibit “little to no audible friction with itself.”

All sounds aside, Steve said the issue was “not the sound or the appearance” of his macaroni shells, but with its “core temperature,” or what a thermometer would read if inserted directly into the center mass of macaroni once scooped into a bowl or upon a plate.

Steve blames the government for not giving Velveeta the go ahead on including a carcinogenic compound used in self-heating shoe insoles to keep his macaroni warm for days at a time. “This whole thing was preventable,” he said.

Suprisingly, the FDA passed up their opportunity to poison the general populus with the knowledge that they would receive no pharmaceutical kickbacks upon treatment for the resulting organ failures the artificial chemical could have induced. Their press department was not immediately available for comment.

Steve said he was left with no choice but to rubberize his macaroni under microwave radiation using his residential-strength Kenmore microwave oven. “I even set it to medium,” he intimated. “But it was already too far gone.”

When asked if Steve’s addiction to the online RPG Phantasy Star Universe could be to blame, his eyes flickered with apprehension and he became violent and aggressive to reporters, demanding that they remove themselves from his property before he calls the authorities. His children stood behind him crying and begging him to stop shouting, but he had already brandished a black Remington shotgun and was aiming it directly at the News Channel 7 camera crew.

“PSU’s got shit to do with this. Now get your fucking hippie picture people out of here before I prove to my retarded son just how son-of-a-bitchin’ addicted I am.”

Velveeta has issued a formal apology to the Grabowski family – not for their shortcomings – but for Steve’s “crude, white trash behavior” and has said they will not pay the reparations he “drunkenly demanded via Facebook Monday night.”

CUTHBERT GEORGIA-

The staff at Elf Wax Times takes the job of bringing you accurate new insight into present-day issues like terrorism and the ever nearing apocalypse, but today we’re taking a little time out of the normal grind to show you, our readers, about how we bring you so much truth with so little work.

The Elf Wax Times is updated daily from our secret headquarters in a location too dangerous to disclose. In our early days, we updated our site by abusing public libraries and were soon barred from using public computers by insidious government officials trying to destroy the freedom of press. The EWT trips key phrases in the NSA supercomputers at a more efficient rate each and every day, as our team of computer scientists devise new ways to trick users into finding us through Google. Windows 3.1 is the EWT’s operating system of choice because our office computers are scavenged entirely from dumpsters. A small portion of our editorial staff still prefer the even more useless MAC OS 1. The banal and function-oriented computer systems we employ eliminate any activity that may deter from our tireless efforts to reveal all conspiracies as truth.

When our reporters are given an assignment, we like to take a liberal stance on due dates and content. Our writers do not try to complete their postings within a given amount of time, because time is really just an illusion which is obviously a very bad foundation for truth to be built upon. In addition, certain topics which may appear unrelated are in actuality a paradoxical snythaesia of ideologies. In laymen’s terms, this means that Elf Wax Times does not use normal conventional methods of reporting. We tackle abstract issues abstractly rather than rationally, and rational issues by exposing irrationality. In essence, we fabricate a truth which gives a greater understanding than conventional truth. We are confident that our readers will remain assured that our writer’s compensated version of reality provides the average reader with a greater grasp of the truth than other more conventional news sources.