Today, Mahatma Gandhi’s ashes were scattered off the South African coast in a ceremony 62 years late. This was an all too appropriate metaphor for the state of peace in today’s world.  India is an emerging country full of promise and growth.  However, it is engaged in a nuclear cold war with long-time enemy Pakistan. Both countries may soon go the way of Gandhi. At any moment, every man woman and child may be reduced to nothing but radioactive  dust spread across the high seas.

Martin Luther King’s remains are currently buried in Atlanta Georgia at The King Center and by all reports are undisturbed.  Books and resources such as t-shirts and mugs can be found adjacent to his grave in the book store or purchased online.

Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King Jr.

Malcom X, communist and black supremacist is widely known for his friendship with dictator Fidel Castro and high rank as a terrorist spokesperson for the Nation of Islam. In his struggle for the advancement of blacks, Malcom X achieved the greatest success of any American of the time through promotion of violence and hatemongering. Powerful echoes of his philosophy still ring today from other members of the Nation of Islam, such as John Allen Muhammed, the DC Sniper.

Cesar Chavez, the most prominent proponent of non-violent protest to die peacefully, is buried at the National Chavez Memorial located at Nuestra Señora Reina de La Paz. The gift store sells mementos and memorabilia which honor the life of Cesar Chavez and help fund construction of the complex on the 186 acre site. Work has not yet begun on an online gift store.

Because these “living memorials” nickle and dime grave visitors in the name of peace, the legacy they seek to uphold has been washed clean from American society. Every year America spends nearly as much on “defense” as every single country in the world combined, and this is not an issue. The issue, Elf Wax analysts say, is that non-violent protesters simply didn’t get the job done. “The government’s still around, and still stamping all over the constitution on which it was once founded,” said Elf Wax Revolutionary, Jay Chimera.

“What the nation needs is a call to arms, for Americans to rise up violently and take a bloody stand against their government. No more pussing around; if you hold a sign over your head today, then tomorrow it is your duty to send that message with a gun, or a flaming cask of Vaseline.”

If our instincts as journalists are correct, which they undoubtedly are, then Chimera was right when he said non-violent protests don’t accomplish anything. If they have any impact at all it is certainly negative. When the U.S. Government wants something, it takes it by force. The Government has never scored a big win by “protesting.” When China jailed its leading human rights activist, America protested. But when Elian Gonzales was discovered to be hoarding valuable American resources in his illegal home, America brought out the guns.

Who's taking care of their business here?

So when the government sees peaceful protesters on the streets chanting and carrying signs, they assume we must not want it that bad.

And that is why The Elf Wax Times is here to report on the issue of non-violent protests. If you want peace, then you must kill for it. This is now the primary directive of our mission statement.

“But one must always remember,” said Chimera, “Nobody likes a warmongering hatefaxer. So when you go on the warpath against the government, be sure that you don’t develop a thirst for murder, or else you’re next.” In essence, Chimera intimated one must learn to kill without remorse or personal emotional backlash.

Naturally, Americans have already nominated Barack Obama as tomorrow’s Peace Warrior Chief. “The guy’s built for the role. He’s already won the Nobel Peace Prize,” said Lebal Drocer Chemical Weapons Department Chair and violence enthusiast Lester Gladstone. Look at how many Afghanis are meeting their death at the hands of a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.

Catch an all-new season of War Sundays at nine after King of the Hill or something

From the fearless leaders who brought you such wars as “Viet Nam” and “Korea – Dawn of the Hellicopter!” comes Afghanistan – a tactical operation which promises to be “a fun-filled action-packed romp through the desert the whole family can enjoy.”

Just like Wuss-ass General Patreus (more like Betrayus, amirite!?), who originally requested 40,000 more troops to go into Iraq, General Stanley wants forty thousand for Afghanistan. But Obama’s a God Damn World Hero who hates losing so he threw the controller down and said, “Fuck Iraq. America didn’t lose. I fuckin’ quit, motherfuckers. Where da hood at nao!” At first, this motherfucking foot-cock wanted to go so hard into Afghanistan on “counter-terrorism episodes” that will leave no man, woman or child without a urinary-tract infection.

“But then,” he reportedly thought, “It would be bad for ratings.” Even reality show producers who don’t know how to write a story knows there needs to be a visible conflict. Bark Obama refuses to help by sending extra forces because, like every good Starcraft player knows, it wouldn’t be very fun to crush the enemy with a sizable force, neither for the generals nor viewers like you at home. You gotta give ‘em a show. “And that’s what we’re doing,” the President said, as he fingered Hillary’s Clittin behind the scenes.

I fucking love this show, bitches! Sometimes I sometimes get so turned on by realistic violence that I’ll insubordinate my abusive husband just to get a taste. LOL YOU COULD SAY I’M BLOOD-THIRSTY FOR WAR!

-A desperate housewife

This season of War! Terror on the Homefront promises “more tactical missile strikes, more calls for the ‘MEDIC!’ and less of that ‘blah blah blah why-are-we-here?’ interjection” that dogged the series premiere in 2003.

*silent jerking-off hand motion*

America, brace yourselves for The War on Terror, Part II: Overseas Contingency Operation. Catch it Sunday.

Did you miss Sunday’s episode? Like herpes IT’S COMING BACK! but FASTER! Watch it again Thursday nights at nine, following Everybody Loves Raymond Even Though He’s a Draft-Dodging Faggot.

They are not worried about Korea, but Iran and Israel, particularly Ahmedinejad and the terrorists he pays to hate America.

N. Korea’s response is flaccid, but bring out fears in the media around saber-rattling and auto-fellatio of the Muslim extremist belief system, and the dedication from which their ravenous hunger for anti-Capitalism has emerged.

Ahmedinejad reportedly gave Kim Jong-il a handjob under the table during a recent meeting to conspire against Freedom. Kim Jon-il slipped Iran’s elected dictator a custom-inscribed fortune cookie that allegedly read, “He who is stubborn face no consequence.” [of course it was in Chinese so nobody took it seriously]

Copyrighted image reused against artist's request by The Elf Wax Times

Scholars and politicians hotly debate Obama Hussein Bark’s involvement in a terrorist plot to overthrow Freedom, while others brace for chaos under the threat of an apocalyptic nuclear holocaust. But believers on both sides of the aisle are unified by their agreement that the next country to be nuked “ought to be Asian.”

“The goal is to inject freedom directly into the symptomatic state of the oppressive Middle East,” said Emporer Hussein, President of the United States of Freedom. President Obama has since announced his plan to rename the entire North American continental body to the “United States of Freedom,” in a bid to win support for his “overthrow freedom” campaign, fueled by nuclear bombings and Change posters produced and created by Shepard Fairy.

Roanoke citizens are awash with grief over the loss of the area’s number one Prime Time re-run, Desperate Housewives. In the latest episode, some spoiled bitch wife goes out on the town using her husband’s money and fucks an accountant from his real estate firm in the backseat of a designer BMW, stealthily alluding to the relationship between Kenya, Obama’s home town, and Afghanistan, where the President has broken the country’s hymen with his long, erudite dick of “Freedom”. By concealing these actions in the new Middle East, he has pulled off a secret coup from within the Taliban, and is now seeking to gain control of the poorly-guarded Nukes inside the Pakistani government. Sources said he is doing it “for the lulz.”

“He thinks he and the Pakistanis are ‘having a quickie,’” said Herb Schnoodler, director of the CIA Board of Hilarious Transitions,  “but what he’s too drunk [with power] to realize right now is that he’s joining the AIDS club, and that shit don’t wash off.”

AIDS doesn’t just start out as AIDS, though. Every educated American boy and girl knows that.

“First, you’ve got to get HIV,” explained second-grader Elroy Stephens.

And America got HIV when it landed its first slick-booted 18-year-old jarhead into the center of that god-forsaken oil pit and said, “turn ‘em loose. I wanna see what they can do.” And they fucked their first dirty foreign affair,  and the white blood cells fucked up when they got in there, then we saw that our boys were still human after all – on CNN. And then everyone agreed: war is funny.

“Because we don’t serve the Empire, and the Empire don’t feed us. We are here to stand up and fight, whether it’s within ourselves, against our neighbors, or the occasional sniping of an allied enemy combatant, for it is our duty to control what’s ours to control: ‘the blood-hungry instinct to divide and scrutinize, understand and dehumanize – the intentions of those we do not understand, and own them all, in the most basic way,’”

- General Lee Min Seok, speaking on behalf of the Boys and Girls Club of America

Lee Min Seok is the most 1337 StarCraft player in the world, who also happens to be blind. Lee Seok won seven Blizzard tournaments and fucked countless child prostitutes in Tijuana with his winnings in a campaign he called the “Zerg Invasion.”

And that’s how we were born. Welcome to Two Thousand and Nine. 2010’s gonna be a trip. The American suburban bubble is a nuclear fantasy waiting to explode. The dirty-bombs that spread diseases and bacteria are just across the street, in an empty apartment where men stay awake until four o’clock in the morning working on a germ grenade that could eat its way through a city apartment building in under a day, unless you buy Homedic’s newest line of central nervous system Anti-Gas Kit with Iodine and Immunity Support. ‘Defend your kids against terrorist sleeper cells, the clinically-proven way!’

“And we can’t just laugh about it. ‘Cause we’re all gonna die,” repeated news anchor Anderson Cooper on his late night show, Anderson 430. In fact, through two segments, he repeated the phrase, “We’re all gonna die,” much to the chagrin of his sponsor, a popular arthritis medication whose side effects include cardiac arrest, over a live announcement from the President on Health Care stimulus what-have-you, and on into the next commercial break. According to televisionist Harry Manjeena, author of the book TV and Why You Need It To Survive, ratings “shot through the roof.”

Additionally, the Queen went on live television to finger her butthole, as if to prove that nuclear holocaust is real with a demonstration of the newly-defined irrelevance of any continued human record. “God bless, and fare well,” read the CNN subtitle as the North Korean national anthem played over the soft singing of whales. The fingering was crude and realistic, detailing the twisting and pinching of the Queen’s anal-hairs as she probed the insides of her yawning rectum. Brown and sickly nutrient-deprived feces smeared across her cottage-cheese butt cheeks that flapped in the wind coming in off the English Channel during her Final Parade.

“It was a spectacle,” said Tony Brown, England’s Prime Minister. “Truly a wonder of modern entertainment.”

England is said to be participating in this year’s First Annual Second Anniversary of the Domination of all non-human Mammals Ceremony, taking place at the bottom of the Sea, at Sealab. Sweet Jesus. The News has come apart into a vivid kaleidoscope of smiling and gestures of indifference over a dead or missing girl and your collapsing economy. But all’s well.

“As I stare at the television, stoned and happy, I realize there is nothing to be happy about,” said Roanoker Jann Winnerston during an Oxi-Clean commercial.

“Billy Mays Here!”

There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!

Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.

Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shrouds appears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.

Except – you didn’t. Because you lag.

Elf Wax Tech Watch is a new segment in which technological trends are examined in depth. Today’s article is how “virtual literacy” relates to the now dead newspaper industry.

Technological change has widely shut down newspapers for the past decade, and today the last paid reporter has punched his clock for the last time. Nobody has reported a word on the issue, but the blogosphere is rampant with rumors and speculation of what actually has just happened. Among most bloggers, the consensus is that youTube is far more effective at spreading news than text. Stupidly, this statement was made on textual blogs, which are next in line after newspapers for total extinction.

The pseudo-literacy of youTubers is obvious in a quick scan of any video’s comments. Has literacy, like the watch, been replaced by new devices? Sure, no one carries pointless watches, because cell phones keep the time and do other things too. They record what happens, transfer it around the place, and with a camera it takes the least of human effort. YouTube might be the newest kind of literacy, because who needs writing when there’s a video of what just happened? Skip the explanation, no time for that in the modern world. Let’s see the police brutality caught on tape.

At some point, the only vestiges of literacy will be txt spk, an abbreviated form of English almost without vowels. In future high schools, students will read Moby Dick on their cell phones in a summarized and abbreviated form. Rather than writing a book report, they will youTube their reflections and leave their classmates taunting and barely-intelligible cmnts.

Their will be one glorious moment in our future where humans no longer have to communicate for themselves and computers will automatically perform all necessary communications so as not to burden the puny human brain. Computers are already set to do all the heavy-lifting for society, soon they’ll do the communicating, so now it’s just time to teach them to flip burgers and cut hair.

Following a recent governmental lapse in Truth, a scrambled message has been intercepted and somewhat decoded. The communication details an alien overthrow of humanity. Elf Wax analysts were able to decipher certain parts of speech and published them. The translation, in its original form follows:

I am from Alpha Centauri, a star of dead rocks.
I am from another dimension. Another time.
You have lived too long. Your bad vibrations are polluting our air waves.
It’s time now. It’s time to burn. We’ll burn you and your sons’ sons. And then we’ll burn up the sun.
With hungry eyes, we’re looking at you lucky few.

Iran and the United States have come together in a landmark baby step, citing their agreement. “Afghani drugs are no good,” says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. This is partly because the Taliban is forcing the peasants to grow opium, and partly because the United States would have a perfect shot at winning the War on Drugs if it weren’t for these meddlin’ A-rabs and their cockamamy dope schemes.

“Afghani Kush is just something college kids say in order to sell their weak, low-grade pot to each other,” Stanley Straightedge, director of the D.E.A. published in an official press statement released Monday. “We don’t want to effect that.” Straightedge indicated that the two countries are not so concerned with the marijuana leaving Afghanistan, but they want to stem the opium trade, which has been directly linked to terrorism, contrary to what post-9/11 commercials told pot-smoking soccer-moms: that all the money they spent on gas and weed were actually buying the videotaped beheadings of journalists.

He continued, “The kind of drugs coming from Afghanistan contain no more opiates than your grandmother’s ordinary pain medications.” Straightedge went on to say, “The really good stuff is coming out of Mexico, and we feel that the gang wars taking place in the dirt capital of the world are helping to improve the quality of our imports due to increased competition.” He indicated that he wants to keep those fears flowing as a last bastion for xenophobic politicians who sometimes tend to run out of creativity around voting season. “Plus, you’ve got to feed the monkey,” he added.

Now, Iran’s sudden anti-drug stance and a shared interest in being the largest buzz-kill in the Eastern Hemisphere has finally given the United States a reason to like them. In the past, heroin peddlers have used the technique of injecting their potential purchasers in order to get them hooked before they even know they want to buy the drug, leaving them with little choice thereafter but to feed their newfound dependence. Borrowing from this tactic, the U.S. is planning to Zerg-rush the third-world country’s primary source of income with narcotics agents, the antithesis to drug-runners, in an unprecedented move thought by E.W. Times analysts to be the one and only action left to take on the Taliban “that will surely lead to a new terrorist bombing in the future.”

“Basically,” Wayneskis said, “What you’ve got here is a bunch of assholes out in the desert with only one good thing going for ‘em: drugs. It’s fine and good for them, but how’s that helping you and me shop at Kroger?” Wayne continued, “This is a real problem for us and for them too because the only way they’re going to be able to plant some grass, open jobs at the Gap, build a good clean country [HEIL] and grow our corn is to get off that heroin and start injecting Uncle Sam.”

On an unrelated note, the War with Iran is expected to begin on its predetermined start date of July 4, 2010.

The Chinese have denied the existence of a recent video released showing the vicious beatings of Tibetans by what appear to be a small Chinese police force. In their defense, a Chinese official proudly stated that because the video was posted over YouTube, a web service that has been officially banned since 2008, they never saw it, it doesn’t exist, and as far as they care, whatever video that happens to be floating around out there is simply pro-Tibet propaganda determined to tarnish the the central Chinese government’s consistent track record displaying its ability to cover up an obvious total crackdown on all unofficial states of mind.

Outside source Walter Sobchack told Elf Wax reporters it was in fact a matter of “unchecked aggression,” saying, “The Chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand. Across this line, YOU DO NOT-” Sobchack interrupted himself to iterate that Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature, requesting reporters and his bowling partner to use the politically correct, updated term, “Asian American, please.”

A Chinese government official was quoted as saying, “The Dalai Lama group is used to fabricating lies to deceive the international community.” The unnamed speaker for the Chinese police-state said he had personally gathered evidence with far-reaching implications in the future dynamics of religion and politics as he went on to complain of yo’ mama jokes which the Dalai Lama and others had made in regards to her weight and intelligence. “Every joke contains a kernel of truth,” he cited, and so the jokes were later proven by the state with photographic and anecdotal evidence to be largely untrue. He said, “she has never tripped over any phone, cordless or otherwise, even when we had telegraph wire lying in the floor of the opium dens.” The Chinese Secretary of Defense Chi Gong was once recorded wearing a wire complimenting [unnamed spokesperson]’s yellow raincoat which he said, “neither made people call out taxi, nor prevented her from hailing one, as our state transportation department cab service is fair, balanced and justified regarding its decisions of who, and who not, to pick up when selecting fares, even in the cases of these vicious beatings, which did not happen, the Tibetans were provided with a prompt, free taxi service to a Tibetan shrine deep into the Earth’s crust.”

However, there was already such public outcry against the Dalai Lama’s earlier mama jokes from prior months that, by this time, the Tibetan spiritual and political leader was exiled indefinitely from Tibet by Chinese authorities. So unlike actual Chinese-Tibetan Buddhist monks, the Dalai Lama protests safely from Dharamshala, India.

In a backstage interview, an unnamed Chinese actor said he portrayed a security guard whose role in the filming of the anti-Chinese propaganda video was to pretend to beat, choke and kick people tied up with mock zip-ties. “For a group of people who have released all worldly possessions, they sure are attached to their land; we want to show the world just how attached they are,” he said. “Hey, you guys wanna go eat some Chinese after this?” In an interview with an actual Chinese security guard who requested that he not be named, lest the heavy hand of Communism wipe his existence out entirely, said that if what happened in the video were to have actually taken place, “The idea would be to get them acquainted with beatings, captivity and general harassment methods and try to open them up to the idea that staying here isn’t going to be the peaceful, meditative experience they thought they’d live the rest of their lives out to be.” He continued, “What they tell you in the pamphlets and the brochures about this place, whatever it is, it can’t be true. We are constantly beating and torturing these people. Abducting them, interrogating them and locking them away in our prisons. With all the beatings, I really don’t think it’s a very suitable place for retirement into the tranquil arms of unending peace.”

The Dalai Lama said he will turn his back on the failure of Tibet once he finally overcomes how awesome it is that he became the Dalai Lama because he accidentally picked out the right combination of hairbrushes, cups and toys as an infant, an event which some claim he “doesn’t even remember”.

Armed cattlemen gather to wrangle up
sheep-like capital resource

Our generation is doomed to the cooperation of all distributors of every major known resource in a valiant effort to turn a buck on the entire human race at each opportunity, degenerating us with PR incentives into an unquestioning, unthinking, digitally satisfied, technologically gratified, self-tending human plantation. If things continue at the pace iPhones and on-demand cable have set out, then we will not evolve, but devolve, the opposable thumb becoming civilization’s fiercest natural enemy.

The total output and sheer growth in numbers of cell phone towers will finally generate a large enough volume of short radio waves through polluted air to double the rate of all conditional cancers so as to make yet more money off the same resource, selling vital medications until the usefulness of a particular hominid’s living insides is so rotted, drugged up and decomposed that only local funeral homes can pick off the last few thousand dollars left in his or her insurance fund. One final score for the cash-vultures willing to carve up your corpse and who don’t mind breathing in a little formaldehyde.

As the Indians took and used all parts of the buffalo but the brain, which they used against the animal’s configurable habits to control it into the killzone, so too does the invisible hand of our unseen master from the front porch of his far-off third-world plantation.

Goodnight.

Just as the protesters marched on Washington to keep pressure on the new president’s foreign policy, war policy, and end worldwide occupations Saturday, the Obama administration is ramping up for a new war on Iran.

In an expected twist, the joke is on the peaceniks. As it turns out the joke has always has been on peace-loving freaks because the American public has been lied to so much throughout every war the country has ever been in, that there is no way to stage a truly educated demonstration. There is no effective way of communicating anything to the government without looking like a baby trying to explain its own needs in proper English. But those who are large enough and loud enough to do so are met with resistance bombings and war.

From the slitted windows of the capitol buildings, and from inside Lockheed Martin and co., the CEOs, upper-ranking officials, and politicians laugh inside to themselves, their vision fixed on the ignorant masses clamoring to have their voices heard, chanting the best internet slogans the logical mind can apply to the irrational conditions the money-chasing military-industrial complex has created for them. Or maybe they aren’t laughing? Maybe they are too busy reveling in the deeper sense of their ability to control it: the game and its rules, from the flow of money to the reporting of news about where that money went, to occupations to infestations to exterminations and back around again into brand new broken nations. They are the masters of their own little corners of reality.

By sponsoring the news, they are immune from its “bad reporting”. Mainly bad because in the industry, it is frowned upon by executives if and when an unauthorized report shines negatively on Lockheed Martin, whose tentacles of many names sponsor your station, newspaper, or college, paying your paycheck, financing your scholarships, giving you free internet. This practice is known as “shitting where you eat”, and it does not pay the Audi bill. It’s a no-no and reporters lose jobs over it, even though they’re only trying to cover the truth, because the safety term is ‘conflict-of-interest’ by the books, but the truth of the matter is they don’t want anyone reporting on these companies which pay them anyway. This is how the media has become an entertainment industry and why it is no longer known as ‘the news’. This is why newspapers are dying and how the news has transformed into some globular cluster of pill company PR and cancer commercials, with the occasional lie-facts sheet thrown in and used as the inside source.

Because the news used to report facts. Here’s what it looked like earlier in the last century:

Here, you see men working. Digging for the facts, whatever they are. Whatever the detail is that they’re pulling out, you will get the story on it and you can bet the farm on every fact being crucial, pertinent, uninteresting and included. Everything newsworthy runs; everything that isn’t winds up on the floor. Even the Battle of LA was printed in this time. That’s kick-ass reporting!

Newsroom from 1920 [good job guys]

Below is another example of kickass news reporting. Listen to the reporter listing facts!

“Good evening, I’m so-and-so. Here’s the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. That was the news. I’ll see you tomorrow because I do my job.”

Now here’s what it looked like in 1990:

“Good evening, I’m so-and-so-II. Here’s the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Opinion. This just in – I’m no longer a news anchor because I broke the golden rule of journalism by breaking objectivity.”

That’s right. The guy actually fired himself automatically for infracting on his public responsibility because that’s how religiously fucking objective he was expected to be, but deceit had already been creeping in by this point. This guy went on to be a huge success at CNN, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, and early on enjoyed moderate success with the Insane Clown Posse. Probably.

Newsroom in the 1990s
[see where this is headed?]

Here’s “the news” from 2009:

“Good afternoon, I’m a big name in Entertainment Weekly, and this is the news. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Filtration of another fact. Small fact. Opinion. Outright slander. Fact half-supporting slanderous accusation. Closing opinion. And that’s how it really happened, folks. Behind closed doors here in my office.” Soon enough, news anchors are going to start telling us “Don’t touch that dial! Stay tuned for a message from our sponsors, and we’ll be right back with a filtered, uncalled-for-but-totally-gonna-happen review of the actual information obtained through our wire service.”

Newsroom from January, 2009

Oh that paparazzi! What wacky, outrageous story will they distract us with next?

“I farted.”