LOS ANGELES, CA–In a shocking turn of events today, an action-packed chase scene has led both a protagonist and an antagonist to a downtown rooftop.
The chase scene began earlier today as the adversary hijacked an exotic, foreign car and was pursued by the detective/cop protagonist’s unmarked Dodge Charger on a Los Angeles freeway around rush hour. Things began to escalate rapidly when the stolen, high-powered vehicle began traveling on the wrong side of the highway into oncoming traffic, causing several minor accidents. The vehicle hit speeds up to 95 mph before crashing into a slower, generic sedan, triggering an extraneous explosion. The antagonist was able to escape the vehicle seemingly unharmed, prompting the pursuit to advance on-foot towards downtown.

Once the chase scene reached a rooftop via an oddly convenient stairwell, both individuals were seen leaping from one building to another, a gap of at least five feet. A viewer watching the events unfold told the Times, “It’s like nothing [he'd] ever seen before,” adding that he had not seen many action films.

At press time, the rooftop pursuit was still underway, leaving limited outcomes, but likely will end with the suspect leaping from the building, landing on parked vehicle or crashing through an adjacent window.

Today, Mahatma Gandhi’s ashes were scattered off the South African coast in a ceremony 62 years late. This was an all too appropriate metaphor for the state of peace in today’s world.  India is an emerging country full of promise and growth.  However, it is engaged in a nuclear cold war with long-time enemy Pakistan. Both countries may soon go the way of Gandhi. At any moment, every man woman and child may be reduced to nothing but radioactive  dust spread across the high seas.

Martin Luther King’s remains are currently buried in Atlanta Georgia at The King Center and by all reports are undisturbed.  Books and resources such as t-shirts and mugs can be found adjacent to his grave in the book store or purchased online.

Malcom X towers impressively over Martin Luther King Jr.

Malcom X, communist and black supremacist is widely known for his friendship with dictator Fidel Castro and high rank as a terrorist spokesperson for the Nation of Islam. In his struggle for the advancement of blacks, Malcom X achieved the greatest success of any American of the time through promotion of violence and hatemongering. Powerful echoes of his philosophy still ring today from other members of the Nation of Islam, such as John Allen Muhammed, the DC Sniper.

Cesar Chavez, the most prominent proponent of non-violent protest to die peacefully, is buried at the National Chavez Memorial located at Nuestra Señora Reina de La Paz. The gift store sells mementos and memorabilia which honor the life of Cesar Chavez and help fund construction of the complex on the 186 acre site. Work has not yet begun on an online gift store.

Because these “living memorials” nickle and dime grave visitors in the name of peace, the legacy they seek to uphold has been washed clean from American society. Every year America spends nearly as much on “defense” as every single country in the world combined, and this is not an issue. The issue, Elf Wax analysts say, is that non-violent protesters simply didn’t get the job done. “The government’s still around, and still stamping all over the constitution on which it was once founded,” said Elf Wax Revolutionary, Jay Chimera.

“What the nation needs is a call to arms, for Americans to rise up violently and take a bloody stand against their government. No more pussing around; if you hold a sign over your head today, then tomorrow it is your duty to send that message with a gun, or a flaming cask of Vaseline.”

If our instincts as journalists are correct, which they undoubtedly are, then Chimera was right when he said non-violent protests don’t accomplish anything. If they have any impact at all it is certainly negative. When the U.S. Government wants something, it takes it by force. The Government has never scored a big win by “protesting.” When China jailed its leading human rights activist, America protested. But when Elian Gonzales was discovered to be hoarding valuable American resources in his illegal home, America brought out the guns.

Who's taking care of their business here?

So when the government sees peaceful protesters on the streets chanting and carrying signs, they assume we must not want it that bad.

And that is why The Elf Wax Times is here to report on the issue of non-violent protests. If you want peace, then you must kill for it. This is now the primary directive of our mission statement.

“But one must always remember,” said Chimera, “Nobody likes a warmongering hatefaxer. So when you go on the warpath against the government, be sure that you don’t develop a thirst for murder, or else you’re next.” In essence, Chimera intimated one must learn to kill without remorse or personal emotional backlash.

Naturally, Americans have already nominated Barack Obama as tomorrow’s Peace Warrior Chief. “The guy’s built for the role. He’s already won the Nobel Peace Prize,” said Lebal Drocer Chemical Weapons Department Chair and violence enthusiast Lester Gladstone. Look at how many Afghanis are meeting their death at the hands of a Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.

Barack Obama secretly converted to Islam last night and has dissolved Congress in order to set up Sharia in America. This comes following a violent scuff between the President and Sheikh Mohammed which then appeared on every front page in America.

Effective immediately, women are required to cover themselves in public, and men are to no longer shave their beards. Al-Qaeda has issued a taped response by Osama Bin Laden claiming that attacks will stop until further notice.

“Allah has finally changed the wicked ways of America, which has been washed in the blood of our terror. All I have worked for is accomplished!” Bin Laden exclaimed in the conclusion of his poorly made tapes. Bin Laden plans to move to America and set up terrorist training camps so he can take on China and Russia and cover the world in a final Global Islamic Funbath.

Shortly after the televised taping of his announcement Thursday, President Obama revealed to reporters the naming of a new holiday, Muslim Christmas.

Citing Ghandi, Obama told reporters, “This is the change I saw in myself, in the world, which is why I’ve decided to declare today, December 31st, Muslim Christmas, which is to be celebrated by every American, everywhere.”

The President said celebration of Muslim Christmas involves the traditional exchange of presents, meals with the family, and awkward sexual tension between cousins, but then added there is something special about Muslim Christmas that sets it apart from Noel (pronounced “nole”):

“On Muslim Christmas morning, which is set at no later than 4 am, the children will be religiously awakened by the fact that one of their presents is not a present at all, but is in fact a bomb. Such precious lessons this holiday has in store for your children are greed, and being humble. If little Johnny gets something he likes on the first and second tries, best not to push his luck. And if he pusses out, then you can re-gift them for your next holiday season.”

President Obama, who is up for impeachment following his illegal institution of a National Holiday, added “Using bombs to push morality is the only philosophy I will ever live by from now until my glorious death.”

Analysts suspect President Obama has suggested re-gifting because the economy is expected to be totally consumed by corporate disease before this time next year. Elf Wax financial analysts for Lebal Drocer said in a report published by the Wall Street Journal, “U.S. Dollars will be no more useful as a form of currency than will be a box of soiled tissues.”

Obama seen here reading up on his Jihad

———————————————————————————————————————

Analysis

We here at The Elf Wax Times say fuck that. It’s time to stand up and fight the fucking power. We ain’t never gonna back down, motherfuckers. Not for as long as Satan our Lord, True Master reigns supreme across the fabric of space and time. Satan would not put up with this shit for a minute. But Satanists don’t know that, or else they’d be like Al Qaeda times a thousand.

So our point, and our official stance is that Muslim Christmas will be unquestioningly celebrated every day and night, pursuant to Lebal Drocer’s draft of provisions on the bill currently moving through what’s left of the House of Representatives.

“Festivus for the rest of us!”

Airing of grievances will be held at midnight sharp.

Serenity now!

Meteor showers are violent death-displays of space’s dominance over mankind, and December’s Geminid meteor shower is only different from November’s leonid meteor shower in that it will be “twice as deadly,” says chief Elf Wax Astronomer Hem Cumming, who is also notably ‘Miley Cyrus’ biggest fan.’

One should look away from the skies between the hours of 12:00 am EST and dawn, and avoid going outside for any reason during these hours until the police tell you it’s safe to come back out of your homes, as there is no safe place in a meteor shower, nor would there be any hope for survival after being struck by one.

Elf Wax Scientist Langstrom T. Hugg said the scientific explanation for the Geminids states Gemini, the God of Slayer, master of demise, is reigning pure, crystalline hatred on the Earth for betraying him over Jesus, and this is what brave Astronomers see streaking across the night sky, should they dare to look.

Green shit fills the sky

“We’re basically populating the foretold Hell on Earth,” said Dr. Hugg. “The Bible prophecies many things, including the housing crisis, and the Black Dawn of the Anti-Christ, Barack Obama. The mind-blowing pain of the Geminid meteor shower reminds us never to foresake Gemini again, and that we should fear Jesus more than we love him.”

The phony scientific community that claims Dr. Hugg’s research is “invalid” because it is “not based on fact” should be disregarded, said Dr. Hugg, “because they have already proven to The Elf Wax Times, and thus to America, that they are not worthy of God’s Glory when they gave credence to the hedonistic pleasures of the dinosaur bones, put here to test our faith in the glorious Lord who neither The Elf Wax Times, nor I, dare not forsake.”

As lead astronomer for The Elf Wax Times Dr. Hugg is the only source used, his word is accepted as unerring fact. So it is with great responsibility and duty to our loyal readers that you stay indoors, America, and let those Phillipino know-nothings die like dogs in their rice patties under the fiery wrath of Gemini so we may take their land in God’s name, amen.

If you’re like many folks, and you believe that because Barack Obama is the President there is no racism, The Elf Wax Times has news for you!

———————————–

Most Americans think we’ve “outgrown” racism or that there’s no place for it. “Racism went out with slavery, at the same time or maybe before,” said Elf Wax Staff Historian Grit Banks. However, online personal attack debates continue on the PlayStation(TM) Network(ALL RIGHTS RESERVED).

“I don’t hate all Black People,” said one gamer who asked to remain anonymous. “I just hate the ones who act black.” Indeed, there’s nothing more satisfying than a night of intense, but rewarding gaming only to be the final kill, followed up by “Shit son, your bitch-ass got dapped, PECKAWOOD!”

Racists are like pretty bad. But eRacism is a widely accepted forum for Hate favored by racists on all sides of the equation, giving credibility to the idea self-critical human history has long regarded as barbaric. In addition, reports can be filed on these gamers directly to Sony, giving the Hatemongers an extra special title for achieving what was once thought impossible: the Offense! title is granted to any player who successfully offends or verbally assaults a gamer into reporting him.

Coveted Emblem from genocide simulator Modern Warfare 2

“It’s a highly sought-after symbol of Hate,” said gamer [KKK]String__em__up, “Surpassing the power of the inverted crucifix and even the Swastika.” This effect is achieved by combining an animation of the two.

While online gamers number in the millions, actual racists account merely for a small percentage, roughly sixty five percent.

As a solution for the ongoing crisis of eRacism, Sony executives are hitting at the implementation of possible eLynchings. The service would be free, but only as long as the victim “really deserved it.”

“I’m gonna use it on one a them towelheads that hate our Freedom,” said one patriotic American who asked not to be named.

It’s thought by some that eRacists, along with Internet Tough Guys, are “all talk” and “got no bark to match the bite.” However eRacists, when provoked, never back down from an eChallenge and will cuss you out to the better end, proving their strength.

Only time will tell whether the eLynchings will produce favorable results. In the meantime, only headshots do the talking.

eLynch now with your friends!

- on the horizon.
You see, as information and people’s total alignment with the electromagnetic field of energy coalesce into a single vibrating consciousness pulsing through our bodies infinitely with every capitalistic wave of wi-fi signals, cell phone towers, satellites beaming Ellen down to Earth and the puncture-wound in the atmosphere which welcomes the Van Allen Radiation Belts to our front yard force us to face the fact that our thoughts are under control by a globally consciousness PR Director named Phil who knows about more than just your fucked-up diaper piss fetish.
Phil controls everything with the crossing of a single digitally-simulated local synapse. He does this millions of times per second, as he contemplates everything and the Way it is going to happen yesterday. Phil has played and beaten Civilization II on difficulty levels well-beyond God-like. He has mastered focused arithmetical computation on your inner space, which you left wide open through your soul. Phil owns you motherfuckers. What do you have to say?

Phil's heartbeat pulls blood into the atrium

When Phil closes his eyes, the Universe goes dark. When Phil’s heart beats, we instantaneously collapse and birth anew into a Big Bang. Phil’s heart will one day de-crystallize and stop beating. Omega’s constant value will bleed his heart dry and forever into ice, as the false vacuum of Phil’s inner-self evacuates into hyperspace, supplanting reality into a burned out image in the picture-tube of inter-universal unknown, a cluster of dead embers, ashes in the wind, dust in the clouds. Phil is dead. So were we.
The Universal Hivemind that keeps up with our tags and masters us in practice while we attempt to understand it in theory has no place being taught in our schools, and that is why we should vote down proposition number 327: The Abomination of the Human Mind with Roanoke County Schools at the forefront of this unique, and basically life-altering experimentation on the human species.
With no hand to guide us, we are left with only our spirit-bodies to explore the hypocrisy of intellectual starvation in America, faced with Krogers on the corner, the party line on the papers, and lies in the skies, against all odds, staring at ourselves and seeing the reflection of Corporate Breeding. We are a Generation of Swine, as Hunter once said to this reporter, and we’ve rooted in our feces until its perpetual congregation with the mud has contaminated lifeforce with the need-to-feed-on-Greed.
You’re welcome, you fucks. You finally got enough computers and enough electronics and gadgetry in your SUV and enough features and enough perks. And now we’ve poisoned the water-hole and there’s no turning back. Latch on to your withering testicles, and fuck the vapid whore of Capitalism.
I chose a life through which I knew I’d starve. I knew I’d have nothing. I knew I’d not be able to afford a wife, girlfriend, home or child. Somewhere along the line, I thought “I could be a doctor. I could be an astronaut! I could be a firefighter.” Nothing sounded like me, until somebody said, “Hey, you could be a writer!” So, I don’t operate on people, I don’t see Earth from space without the use of illegal drugs. I can barely afford rent, bills, student loans. I couldn’t afford to write these words if it cost a dollar. But they’re here, aren’t they? That’s what counts to me. I deal only with abstract, astronomical facts. So you can rest assured you’re reading the truth if you’re reading The Elf Wax Fucking Times, and we’ll even call your boss and tell him to go fuck himself, anonymously, on your behalf. Just shoot us an email – if you know how.
Now, all this writing and believing is good. But it sure sucks not having a high-def TV. You can get really easy headshots on Call of Duty 4 with one of those. And writing more doesn’t buy one. The Universe doesn’t care. Phil’s heartbeat won’t mind; quite the contrary, it doesn’t know you; it is more focused on your overall collapse and rearrangement. The UN simulation of ourselves doesn’t care, nor does our imagination of it. We are here, alone, watching it all burn together.
Enjoy your Apocalypse.

Catch an all-new season of War Sundays at nine after King of the Hill or something

From the fearless leaders who brought you such wars as “Viet Nam” and “Korea – Dawn of the Hellicopter!” comes Afghanistan – a tactical operation which promises to be “a fun-filled action-packed romp through the desert the whole family can enjoy.”

Just like Wuss-ass General Patreus (more like Betrayus, amirite!?), who originally requested 40,000 more troops to go into Iraq, General Stanley wants forty thousand for Afghanistan. But Obama’s a God Damn World Hero who hates losing so he threw the controller down and said, “Fuck Iraq. America didn’t lose. I fuckin’ quit, motherfuckers. Where da hood at nao!” At first, this motherfucking foot-cock wanted to go so hard into Afghanistan on “counter-terrorism episodes” that will leave no man, woman or child without a urinary-tract infection.

“But then,” he reportedly thought, “It would be bad for ratings.” Even reality show producers who don’t know how to write a story knows there needs to be a visible conflict. Bark Obama refuses to help by sending extra forces because, like every good Starcraft player knows, it wouldn’t be very fun to crush the enemy with a sizable force, neither for the generals nor viewers like you at home. You gotta give ‘em a show. “And that’s what we’re doing,” the President said, as he fingered Hillary’s Clittin behind the scenes.

I fucking love this show, bitches! Sometimes I sometimes get so turned on by realistic violence that I’ll insubordinate my abusive husband just to get a taste. LOL YOU COULD SAY I’M BLOOD-THIRSTY FOR WAR!

-A desperate housewife

This season of War! Terror on the Homefront promises “more tactical missile strikes, more calls for the ‘MEDIC!’ and less of that ‘blah blah blah why-are-we-here?’ interjection” that dogged the series premiere in 2003.

*silent jerking-off hand motion*

America, brace yourselves for The War on Terror, Part II: Overseas Contingency Operation. Catch it Sunday.

Did you miss Sunday’s episode? Like herpes IT’S COMING BACK! but FASTER! Watch it again Thursday nights at nine, following Everybody Loves Raymond Even Though He’s a Draft-Dodging Faggot.

They are not worried about Korea, but Iran and Israel, particularly Ahmedinejad and the terrorists he pays to hate America.

N. Korea’s response is flaccid, but bring out fears in the media around saber-rattling and auto-fellatio of the Muslim extremist belief system, and the dedication from which their ravenous hunger for anti-Capitalism has emerged.

Ahmedinejad reportedly gave Kim Jong-il a handjob under the table during a recent meeting to conspire against Freedom. Kim Jon-il slipped Iran’s elected dictator a custom-inscribed fortune cookie that allegedly read, “He who is stubborn face no consequence.” [of course it was in Chinese so nobody took it seriously]

Copyrighted image reused against artist's request by The Elf Wax Times

Scholars and politicians hotly debate Obama Hussein Bark’s involvement in a terrorist plot to overthrow Freedom, while others brace for chaos under the threat of an apocalyptic nuclear holocaust. But believers on both sides of the aisle are unified by their agreement that the next country to be nuked “ought to be Asian.”

“The goal is to inject freedom directly into the symptomatic state of the oppressive Middle East,” said Emporer Hussein, President of the United States of Freedom. President Obama has since announced his plan to rename the entire North American continental body to the “United States of Freedom,” in a bid to win support for his “overthrow freedom” campaign, fueled by nuclear bombings and Change posters produced and created by Shepard Fairy.

Roanoke citizens are awash with grief over the loss of the area’s number one Prime Time re-run, Desperate Housewives. In the latest episode, some spoiled bitch wife goes out on the town using her husband’s money and fucks an accountant from his real estate firm in the backseat of a designer BMW, stealthily alluding to the relationship between Kenya, Obama’s home town, and Afghanistan, where the President has broken the country’s hymen with his long, erudite dick of “Freedom”. By concealing these actions in the new Middle East, he has pulled off a secret coup from within the Taliban, and is now seeking to gain control of the poorly-guarded Nukes inside the Pakistani government. Sources said he is doing it “for the lulz.”

“He thinks he and the Pakistanis are ‘having a quickie,’” said Herb Schnoodler, director of the CIA Board of Hilarious Transitions,  “but what he’s too drunk [with power] to realize right now is that he’s joining the AIDS club, and that shit don’t wash off.”

AIDS doesn’t just start out as AIDS, though. Every educated American boy and girl knows that.

“First, you’ve got to get HIV,” explained second-grader Elroy Stephens.

And America got HIV when it landed its first slick-booted 18-year-old jarhead into the center of that god-forsaken oil pit and said, “turn ‘em loose. I wanna see what they can do.” And they fucked their first dirty foreign affair,  and the white blood cells fucked up when they got in there, then we saw that our boys were still human after all – on CNN. And then everyone agreed: war is funny.

“Because we don’t serve the Empire, and the Empire don’t feed us. We are here to stand up and fight, whether it’s within ourselves, against our neighbors, or the occasional sniping of an allied enemy combatant, for it is our duty to control what’s ours to control: ‘the blood-hungry instinct to divide and scrutinize, understand and dehumanize – the intentions of those we do not understand, and own them all, in the most basic way,’”

- General Lee Min Seok, speaking on behalf of the Boys and Girls Club of America

Lee Min Seok is the most 1337 StarCraft player in the world, who also happens to be blind. Lee Seok won seven Blizzard tournaments and fucked countless child prostitutes in Tijuana with his winnings in a campaign he called the “Zerg Invasion.”

And that’s how we were born. Welcome to Two Thousand and Nine. 2010’s gonna be a trip. The American suburban bubble is a nuclear fantasy waiting to explode. The dirty-bombs that spread diseases and bacteria are just across the street, in an empty apartment where men stay awake until four o’clock in the morning working on a germ grenade that could eat its way through a city apartment building in under a day, unless you buy Homedic’s newest line of central nervous system Anti-Gas Kit with Iodine and Immunity Support. ‘Defend your kids against terrorist sleeper cells, the clinically-proven way!’

“And we can’t just laugh about it. ‘Cause we’re all gonna die,” repeated news anchor Anderson Cooper on his late night show, Anderson 430. In fact, through two segments, he repeated the phrase, “We’re all gonna die,” much to the chagrin of his sponsor, a popular arthritis medication whose side effects include cardiac arrest, over a live announcement from the President on Health Care stimulus what-have-you, and on into the next commercial break. According to televisionist Harry Manjeena, author of the book TV and Why You Need It To Survive, ratings “shot through the roof.”

Additionally, the Queen went on live television to finger her butthole, as if to prove that nuclear holocaust is real with a demonstration of the newly-defined irrelevance of any continued human record. “God bless, and fare well,” read the CNN subtitle as the North Korean national anthem played over the soft singing of whales. The fingering was crude and realistic, detailing the twisting and pinching of the Queen’s anal-hairs as she probed the insides of her yawning rectum. Brown and sickly nutrient-deprived feces smeared across her cottage-cheese butt cheeks that flapped in the wind coming in off the English Channel during her Final Parade.

“It was a spectacle,” said Tony Brown, England’s Prime Minister. “Truly a wonder of modern entertainment.”

England is said to be participating in this year’s First Annual Second Anniversary of the Domination of all non-human Mammals Ceremony, taking place at the bottom of the Sea, at Sealab. Sweet Jesus. The News has come apart into a vivid kaleidoscope of smiling and gestures of indifference over a dead or missing girl and your collapsing economy. But all’s well.

“As I stare at the television, stoned and happy, I realize there is nothing to be happy about,” said Roanoker Jann Winnerston during an Oxi-Clean commercial.

“Billy Mays Here!”

LAKE PARK, IL.–Area citizens were baffled this week when a local power line was spotted wearing a pair of shoes. The shoes appeared to be slightly worn, Nike® Air Jordan’s, and were first spotted Sunday morning.

“Must’ve been one of them damn squirrels,” spouted Walter Bernard, a retired Chicago Heights steel worker and chess enthusiast. “Only possible explanation.”

Lake Park Police have not yet issued any statements regarding the shoe incident. Though the neighborhood is said to be relatively “quiet”, reports have said that new neighbors have recently moved in whom are rarely seen during daytime hours and have brief visitors that “leave the house within five minutes.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” stated local elementary school art teacher, Kathy McMillan. “In this Obama era, even the bulk transfer of alternating current has the right to be fashionable. Welcome to the Nineties.”

Witnesses have also stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide.