Sarah Palin is seen here crossing the US-Canadian border with other Americans

Whitehorse, Canada–Sarah Palin was seen jumping out of a dirty, overloaded pick up truck Tuesday and crossing the Canadian border to steal single-payer Health Care.

Canadian Border Police shot and killed several accomplices to the ex-Governor of Alaska, but failed to deal any lethal damage to Mrs. Palin, who used retarded people as a shield to deflect bullets and public outcry.

Due in part to this story’s inflation by the mainstream media, Canadian officials are now being forced to consider the decision to build a wall extending from coast to coast, to pacify the loudest minority.

Analysts expect the project to be outsourced to illegal immigrants pouring in from America to do the job, further fueling flames of xenophobia.

“We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada,” she said. “And I think now, isn’t that ironic?”

Editor’s note: Governor un-elect Sarah Palin confused irony for hypocricy.

Since Palin recently got a taste of political gain, her opinion of what once was her best source of useful, valuable health care has transformed it into the disease of big government-run death panel waiting rooms of Satan, where even souls are aborted.

Sarl Cagan, Chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police told reporters, “As of right now, we believe Sarah Palin is living with between eight and fifteen other border-hoppers in a house without electricity or running water. Sources tell us they’ve seen her selling oranges by the side of the freeway, doing construction on the wall, boycotting schools, and demanding amnesty.”

Sarah Palin is expected to report back to FOX News by the end of this weekend, their spokesperson told The Elf Wax Times, who then added, “assuming Mrs. Palin’s declining intelligence does not get any worse, at which point her brain might catastrophically divide by zero.”

Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.

The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.

While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”

Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?

Snakes are amazing creatures.  They live on every continent except for Antarctica, where it is much too cold for snakes to survive.  They are so adept at surviving, that some can reproduce without a member of the opposite sex.  The Brahminy blind snakes are all females. When mature, they lay fertile eggs, and the young are clones of the mother.

A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass

One of the most interesting snakes to me is the king cobra.  The king cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world, reaching lengths of more than 18 feet and weighing up to 50 pounds.  The king cobra dines exclusively on other snakes.  When it can’t find other snakes to eat, it will dine on other available prey, like small rodents.  Although it dines on other snakes, and the occasional rodent, the venom of the king cobra is strong enough to kill an elephant.

The king cobra has a reputation as man killer, but in reality, the king cobra avoids humans.  When confronted by man, or other large creatures, they will try to flee.  If they are cornered, they will feign death by flipping on to their back, opening their mouths, allowing their tongues to roll out, and emptying a foul smelling substance from their anal glands, making them highly unappetizing to any potential predator.  That’s right……in addition to carrying around toxic venom, they have a supply of putrid shit which they can dispense at will.  This “man killer” will only strike at humans as a last resort.

A couple of interesting things they have in common with all other snakes are the fact that they are completely deaf, lacking any form of external ear.  All snakes are incapable of learning, because they lack the enlarged Cerebral Hemispheres, which is the part of the brain controls learning and thought.

Now, when I read that snakes are incapable of learning, I couldn’t help but think about the trouser snake.  Which brings me to the issue I wanted to talk about to begin with.

Like every man besides Calvin Hart, I have a penis that I frequently use for coitus.  Coitus is sexual intercourse for those of you not familiar with the term.  Sexual intercourse is great fun, for those of you not familiar with the act.

Now, this aforementioned penis of mine has gotten me into more trouble than I can explain in this article.  Each and every time it gets me into trouble, I swear that I will never let it do that again.  But it inevitably does.  I can only conclude that the trouser snake, like all other snakes, is incapable of learning.

I fooled around with my best friend’s wife one time.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway.  That cost me my best friend, and my girlfriend, when she found out.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just did.

I swore I would never do anything like that again.

My friend and I made amends after some time.  He eventually got back together with his wife.  And I screwed her again.

Just like its scaly brethren, the trouser snake is incapable of learning.

One thing I have learned through the trials and tribulations brought on by the trouser snake, is that the trouble it causes is expensive.  This brings me to the most dangerous kind of snake in the world…… the snake in the grass.

I had coitus with a stranger one time, and it is now costing me over $1100 a month.  The “justice” system determined that this woman, who slept with a complete stranger one time in a hotel bar and got pregnant, is entitled to more than a grand a month for her noble accomplishment.  Now, I could understand a couple hundred dollars a month, but a grand a month?  How does a kid need a grand a month to go to elementary school?  This woman simply hit the lottery.  Fucking snake in the grass bitch!

The American Indians used to share a story about snakes whenever their fellow man needed solace. It goes like this: an old woman finds an injured snake and nurses it back to health. For weeks upon months upon years she tends to this snake until it is OK again. And then one day it bites her. “Snake,” she says, “I saved your life. Why did you bite me?” To which the snake responds, “Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.”

Now perhaps the judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, social worker and even the butch cop who showed up at my house, all being women, had it out for me, deep down, secretly, wanting no one to know, but just to nail me hard. That would be an unnatural pack-like behavior for snakes to temporarily adopt, but scientists will tell you that’s not unheard of in Nature. Or maybe they just understood the ways of a snake.

Yes……out of all the snakes in the world, the king cobra is the most interesting, the trouser snake is the most troublesome, and the snake in the grass is the most dangerous.

The gubment took my pension, and other short stories

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet.

Yes sir, there’s nothing like a quick pick-me-up from Uncle Sam for when the government gets you down.

Are you stuck in the same old routine of DUI charges and riding your bicycle through the ghetto? Say goodbye to your sore, sweaty ass that gets oh-so-tender from that unloving bike seat, and say hello to driving without a license!

Your rebellion will not go unnoticed. When the poe leece attempt to pull you over, you’ll be ready with a big middle-finger displayed prominently through your driver’s side window as you fail to submit to the unyielding authority of “the law.” [more like the "hell naw" am I right?]

They will be dumbfounded by your brazen display of courage under fire – literally – when your own determination shields you from the resulting hail of gunfire. Like Superman in the intro to that show that wasn’t titled “Superman” for whatever fucking reason, you will stand tall, deflecting their ammunition and teargas bombs defiantly, proudly, staring off over the horizon, like Barack Obama would do, as you wonder whether you’ll eat burgers or steaks for dinner tonight.

Yes, you too can live above the law without bearing the inconvenience of living “below radar” using a proper sense of self-entitlement and belligerence, adding just a pinch of tenacity punctuated by your complete ignorance.

“Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy.”

Fuck the police!

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This has been a message from your local Roanoke County Law Overenforcement Agency. Stay in school. Or drop out. We make money off you either way.

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Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax Update:

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I can hear ‘em talking to me. I swear to God that motherfucking satellite dish won’t quieten down.

They’re sending orders for Lee Iacocca. Tony Danza. Doctor Zhivago. It’s an uprising. Lee Iacocca, to save GM from a second bankruptcy, is redesigning Hitler’s limousine, adding soundproof windows and updating it with modern XM Satellite Radio. “SIRIUS is optional for you Howard Stern fans.”

Danza will drive, and the Doc – well, the Doc is there in case things get too Harry. You see, we’re headin’ up to Washington tonight to let Viceroy Hussein know the score, that WE know the score that WE know what is really happening behind those closed doors. God damn it, the’Merican people got a right to know, and we ain’t gonna let no motherfuckers stand in our way of that right. We didn’t let the Koreans. We didn’t let the Japs. And we sure as hell ain’t gonna let ourselves.

If anybody’s gonna stand in the way of liberties, it’s gonna be me and Jesus, God willing. God fuckin’ willing.

How many Hail Mary’s is that? I’ll do four.

We ain’t gonna let ‘em take away our American Dream from us, ain’t no way no fuckin’ how motherfucker. That’s why we’re comin’. Rollin’ three deep with Doctor Zhivago in that bullet proof Hitler-mobile, man the fuckin’ Pope hail Mary ain’t got shit on this shit. That Pope mobile’s a fuckin’ joke right now, but Osama Hussein Bomberman’s gonna wish he had the Popemobile when we roll up on that shit with Hitler’s limo, baby!

What do we know that needs to be put out in the open? Well, if we fucking knew it, we wouldn’t be so hard-up wanting the government to disclose what it knows about aliens, then would we? Use your fuckin’ heads man. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Free energy, crop circles, god damn interstellar dimensional hyperdrives of UNKNOWN FUCKIN PROPORTIONS gateways to heaven and hell, Christ almighty are you fucking blind. The corporations, man. GM, Hybrid vehicles, all that’s bullshit. We invented free fuckin energy decades ago but those shit-for-brains motherfuckers in the oil industry – bought ‘em up – shelved it – and keep chokin’ our dicks for every last cent. I’m pissin’ pennies, now baby, we can’t even GAS UP THAT FUCKIN HITLER MOBILE with premium, we’re putting unleaded 87 in her and hoping the piece of shit don’t crap out halfway to Memphis. Fuckin’ Germans had it right, SIEG HEIL means build my motherfuckin’ POPEMOBILE TO IACOCCAN STANDARDS.

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Elf Wax Update:

This is part seven of a five-part series on insanity, brought to you by the homeless guy you ignore each day on your walk home from work.

Roanoke, Va. – A Cave Spring-area youth was high on marijuana today when he realized that time does not exist and therefore the speed at which the Earth moves through space is immeasurable, yet “so fast.”

Jonathan Spokane, above the influence, behind the wheel

Jonathan Spokane, 15, described to reporters how his mind came to be blown, saying, “We were drivin’ around, celebratin’ 4:20 after summer school when I started to daydream. I was thinking about space, and said to Joe, ‘Yo Joe. Space is like, really fuckin’ huge, man.’ Then Joe was like, ‘Hey I wonder what time it is in space?’”

Jonathan said he was puzzled by the question at first, until the answer came to him, at which point he could no longer remember his name, address, or even where he was driving his mom’s carload of friends.

His mind was blown, reportedly after he decided for himself that without a constant measurement of the discernible gravitational forces at work, there could not possibly be a basis for the measurement of time, which he said is already a “human construct” and therefore “irrelevant” to people who “know what’s up.”

Jonathan’s personal revelations, analysts predict, will lead him to experiment with harder drugs such as hallucinogenic mushrooms, LSD, peyote and mescaline – all to serve him in his singular quest for what he calls “the ultimate truth” about our existence and/or non-existence, both and neither of which he intends to prove.

Update:
Roanoke Valley Law (over)Enforcement Agencies and the FBI are on the lookout for Jonathan Spokane in connection with the assault of several police officers during a scuffle and the telephoned harassment of the County juvenile court judge. FBI director of searches and seizures Mark Warren told Elf Wax Times early this Monday morning that when police failed to apprehend him, he was “wild-eyed” and repeating the chorus from Black Sabbath’s “Fairies Wear Boots.” He is allegedly armed with a set of Ginsu kitchen knives and considered extremely dangerously capable of dicing a variety of foods quickly to subdue what are expected to be critical munchies.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

Interestingly, of all the pregnancies reported, seventy five percent or more were “secretly intentional” as most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet, so they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.

The unprecedented breeding of lazy, insecure woman is expected to cause a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, already reports a rise in profits relating to medical treatments for illnesses caused by poisonous food containing dangerous levels of preservatives.

Dane Ginjuns, FDA researcher and “world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as diabetes (Britney Spears Disease) and cancers. Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their stinky, unloved children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up, as he exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption!”

Head. Fellatio. Hummer. Blowjob. Going down. Tooting the horn. Playing the skin flute. Smoking the pole. Polishing the knob. Addressing the court.

No matter what you call it, we all love it. If you can find a girl who is good at it, and will do it regularly, you should marry her…….marry her right now, or give me her phone number. Girls like that are hard to find. Guys who don’t like it are even harder to find. Which leads me to ask this question:

WHO IN THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING BLOWJOBS ILLEGAL IN NORTH CAROLINA?

Yes, blowjobs are illegal in North Carolina. Here is the actual statute:

§ 14-177. Crime against nature – North Carolina awards a punishment classified as a Class I felony upon successful conviction, with a presumptive imprisonment of two years, for anyone who commits a crime against nature with man or beast.

“The legislative intent and purpose of this section is to punish persons who undertake by unnatural and indecent methods to gratify a perverted and depraved sexual instinct which is an offense against public decency and morality. Unmarried persons are subject to prosecution for consensual fellatio done in private. North Carolina also prohibits habitual intercourse as proscribed behavior punishable as a Class 2 misdemeanor. The privilege of marriage is explained to be an avoidance of prosecution for legal access to habitual intercourse with one’s sexual partner.”

That’s right………you can go to prison for two years if you get a blowjob in North Carolina. And single guys who get laid a lot in North Carolina can be charged with “Habitual Intercourse” and sent to prison for two years.

This has been illegal in North Carolina since it became a state, and was originally punishable by death. That’s right, getting a blowjob in North Carolina would get you put to death. The old law read:

“Any person who shall commit the abominable and detestable crime against nature, not to be named among Christians, shall be adjudged guilty of felony, and shall suffer death without benefit of clergy.” N.C. Rev. Stat.ch. 34, § 6 (1837)

This law was derived from the law passed in England by Henry the Eighth in 1533.

In 1868, North Carolina changed the law to what is currently written, and the penalty had been reduced from death, to 60 years in prison. The sentence gradually reduced in severity over the years, but the law has not changed much from what was originally written by Henry the Eighth.

Why would someone……anyone……any man……hate blowjobs so much? Did a woman with sharp teeth bite Henry the Eighth’s cock during a blowjob? Did the founder of North Carolina have his prick bitten off when his horse drawn carriage hit a bump while he was getting a hummer? I just can’t imagine what would prompt someone to pass such a cruel and unjust law.
There was a time when I would have been on North Carolina’s most wanted list. Not for murder, rape, acts of terrorism, or manufacturing meth…..but for getting a lot of head, and “habitual intercourse”.

This is insane!

After consulting with the Elf Wax legal team, I have decided the best way to put a stop to this madness is to begin contacting North Carolina congressmen and senators, and expressing our outrage at the fact that this archaic law is still being enforced.

Use the link below to contact every congressman and senator in North Carolina:

http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/cgi-bin/newseek.cgi?site=ctc&state=nc

Virginia, U.S.–The local human plantation of Roanoke, Virginia is at the brink of destruction.

There is a major reason to believe, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that waves of mountain lions did descend on the people of the Roanoke Valley in the great retaking of the cherished homeland. Sources say it is the largest incident on record of the overtaking of an American city by the surrounding wildlife.

A peace treaty is being worked out with the animals, but no inside sources have yet indicated any premonitions around the terms of the agreement. Anonymous sources report that Roanoke mayor David Bowers, best known for having sold the town to Wal-Mart out of gambling desperation, denies any involvement with unpaid, lion-related debts, saying, “I wouldn’t make a wager with those penniless rubes. They only want your flesh anyway.”

Field analysts say the animals have taken to gathering in the Roanoke Civic Center where humans are hunted for entertainment following a sold-out Toby Keith concert.

Jim Fixx, our reporter on the scene, identified twelve positive kills before he himself was eaten alive by a ravenous pair of adult hill cats.

Town spokesperson Lightfoot Steifewagen recalled a feeling of terror, when on her evening run to Wally World was pulled over by lions and questioned. “They wanted to know where I was going,” she said. “They asked where I came from. Like it’s any of their business!”

Attorneys for the swarm of mountain lions have stated the occupation is officially a peace-keeping mission intended only to affect a very precise few people who took part in the alleged attempt to overthrow the laws of nature. But he added, “No one is directly at fault for the decline of the mountain lion’s land, but because all have systematically taken part in the mass rape of it as every nut and every cog is needed to turn the gears of Humanity – the Great Fucking Machine.” It is a principal moment in interspecial relations in which a beast, with an attorney’s help has leveled the playing field with man.

So far, the verdict is split. If no verdict is reached after a second round of hearings Tuesday, the Roanoke County vs. Mob of lions trial could move on to the Virginia Supreme Court, where experts say the level of clusterfuck is expected to be a critical mass situation. Commander Von Hertenweiner, lead gang-rapist of the lion’s crack legal team on the case, said, “I foresee a dimension of politics so unexplored that NASA scientists and mathematicians have been placed on temporary standby, awaiting transmissions from the top.” Judge Joe Mathis, who is expected to rule on the case, said “Next week’s hearings should go as smoothly as an abortion case, or a sudden lion attack.” He concluded, “If things get too hairy, I will back someone into a corner and hold them in contempt of court after they lash out at me with rage.” The press room then let out a chuckle, quit their jobs, and went home to ‘blog about it.

In other news, rising again to defend the Glory of Mankind, as he has done countless times before and forever will do into perpetuity, Winston Churchill had this to say: