Whitehorse, Canada–Sarah Palin was seen jumping out of a dirty, overloaded pick up truck Tuesday and crossing the Canadian border to steal single-payer Health Care.

Canadian Border Police shot and killed several accomplices to the ex-Governor of Alaska, but failed to deal any lethal damage to Mrs. Palin, who used retarded people as a shield to deflect bullets and public outcry.

Due in part to this story’s inflation by the mainstream media, Canadian officials are now being forced to consider the decision to build a wall extending from coast to coast, to pacify the loudest minority.

Analysts expect the project to be outsourced to illegal immigrants pouring in from America to do the job, further fueling flames of xenophobia.

“We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada,” she said. “And I think now, isn’t that ironic?”

Editor’s note: Governor un-elect Sarah Palin confused irony for hypocricy.

Since Palin recently got a taste of political gain, her opinion of what once was her best source of useful, valuable health care has transformed it into the disease of big government-run death panel waiting rooms of Satan, where even souls are aborted.

Sarl Cagan, Chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police told reporters, “As of right now, we believe Sarah Palin is living with between eight and fifteen other border-hoppers in a house without electricity or running water. Sources tell us they’ve seen her selling oranges by the side of the freeway, doing construction on the wall, boycotting schools, and demanding amnesty.”

Sarah Palin is expected to report back to FOX News by the end of this weekend, their spokesperson told The Elf Wax Times, who then added, “assuming Mrs. Palin’s declining intelligence does not get any worse, at which point her brain might catastrophically divide by zero.”

All while painting the pugnacious White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel’s lobbying efforts as bullying, over the past few days, Eric Massa made good on his promises to not leave his seat quietly, and conducted a series of mind-boggling media appearances. Mr. Massa, in explaining his resignation, cited a cancer diagnosis and political pressure to vote for health-care legislation, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, along with aides’ harassment accusations.

There need not have been any “gotcha” questions. There need not have been any surprise witnesses or mere third parties to decimate the former representative’s reputation. Mr. Massa appeared to be making a desperate, transparent pitch at appearing definitely not homosexual.

In the audio clip from March 8 below, former Rep. Massa, while claiming that he was trying to make the radio show as family-oriented as possible, entered into anecdotes about his Navy days not so much as alarming, but striking for their total lack of necessity in safely contextualizing his resignation and aides’ accusations of physical and verbal abuse. Whatever one concludes about early ‘80s Navy hazing rituals, the truly bizarre implication is that, because these rituals were practiced among men living and working an environment of (ostensibly) enforced heterosexuality, somewhat similar practices are somehow less undesirable in the confines of Capitol offices, which the popular imagination holds are highly formal settings.

Over the last couple of days, media analysts have been pounding their heads trying to make heads or tails of his volunteering information about the hazing rituals, specifically running naked men through trash or having them stick their faces in the crotches of superiors. The representative would then disclose a tactless anecdote about having offered in jest to help one of his Naval bunkmates climax when Massa walked in on him masturbating.

Click To Play

Aides’ sexual harassment charges came at the heel of an incident wherein Mr. Massa admitted, as he did yesterday on Glenn Beck’s show, to having “groped” aides during a tickle fight that eventually resulted in a multi-man pile-on. Curiously, within three hours, appearing on “Larry King Live,” he would deny having “groped” whatsoever.

Not wishing to take on the label of hypocrisy – especially in the wake of accusations against former Republican Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) having made sexual advances toward male pages – House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) communicated to Rep. Massa that he had 48 hours to communicate his aides’ complaints to the House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct. (In 2006 that top House Republicans had been aware of “overfriendly” e-mail messages Mr. Foley, who represented Palm Beach, had sent to a 16-year-old page, and did not speak against Foley publicly until more explicit text messages were revealed.) It is apparent that to one degree or another Mr. Foley’s actions would damage the Republican Party’s standing in Congress in 2006. It is especially important to understand the most serious of the allegations against Mr. Massa in the context of the Foley scandal.

The point of these particularly egregious examples of providing what seems like too much information remains mysterious. Mr. Massa would repeatedly claim that his outing was politically motivated, as he supports a single-payer health insurance program quite distinct from the legislation now under consideration by congressional leadership through a legislative budgetary process called reconciliation.  Reconciliation runs around the filibuster rule requiring a 60-vote majority. The former representative claims that while in the congressional shower room, Mr. Emanuel, himself naked, approached Mr. Massa, and proceeded to browbeat him and poke him in the chest. The White House denies that the incident took place.

Of Mr. Emanuel himself, Mr. Massa would subsequently say during a radio show, “Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn,” adding, “He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive.”

On both King and Beck’s shows, Massa would repeat what was apparently a joke apology to Emanuel, saying that the chief of staff would merely be willing to tie Mr. Massa’s children to rail tracks, as opposed to his own.

On “Larry King Live,” Mr. Massa refused to answer whether he was gay.

Your Town, U.S.A.– ISPs are working out a deal with the FBI to track what you do online and hand it over to them.

The FBI will monitor IPs, domains and websites you visit, and the Bureau is even talking about gaining access to direct URLs if they can successfully bypass the Wiretap Act, which has been proven all but impossible through scientific research conducted by Elf Wax Laboratories.

While no accusations are being made, the FBI stresses that this is primarily targeted at child porn. FBI spokesperson Robert Mueller said, “We’re looking to get as much of it as possible.”

Unfortunately, no significant progress has been made on this yet, but don’t you already feel like someone is watching you?

Barack Obama secretly converted to Islam last night and has dissolved Congress in order to set up Sharia in America. This comes following a violent scuff between the President and Sheikh Mohammed which then appeared on every front page in America.

Effective immediately, women are required to cover themselves in public, and men are to no longer shave their beards. Al-Qaeda has issued a taped response by Osama Bin Laden claiming that attacks will stop until further notice.

“Allah has finally changed the wicked ways of America, which has been washed in the blood of our terror. All I have worked for is accomplished!” Bin Laden exclaimed in the conclusion of his poorly made tapes. Bin Laden plans to move to America and set up terrorist training camps so he can take on China and Russia and cover the world in a final Global Islamic Funbath.

Shortly after the televised taping of his announcement Thursday, President Obama revealed to reporters the naming of a new holiday, Muslim Christmas.

Citing Ghandi, Obama told reporters, “This is the change I saw in myself, in the world, which is why I’ve decided to declare today, December 31st, Muslim Christmas, which is to be celebrated by every American, everywhere.”

The President said celebration of Muslim Christmas involves the traditional exchange of presents, meals with the family, and awkward sexual tension between cousins, but then added there is something special about Muslim Christmas that sets it apart from Noel (pronounced “nole”):

“On Muslim Christmas morning, which is set at no later than 4 am, the children will be religiously awakened by the fact that one of their presents is not a present at all, but is in fact a bomb. Such precious lessons this holiday has in store for your children are greed, and being humble. If little Johnny gets something he likes on the first and second tries, best not to push his luck. And if he pusses out, then you can re-gift them for your next holiday season.”

President Obama, who is up for impeachment following his illegal institution of a National Holiday, added “Using bombs to push morality is the only philosophy I will ever live by from now until my glorious death.”

Analysts suspect President Obama has suggested re-gifting because the economy is expected to be totally consumed by corporate disease before this time next year. Elf Wax financial analysts for Lebal Drocer said in a report published by the Wall Street Journal, “U.S. Dollars will be no more useful as a form of currency than will be a box of soiled tissues.”

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Analysis

We here at The Elf Wax Times say fuck that. It’s time to stand up and fight the fucking power. We ain’t never gonna back down, motherfuckers. Not for as long as Satan our Lord, True Master reigns supreme across the fabric of space and time. Satan would not put up with this shit for a minute. But Satanists don’t know that, or else they’d be like Al Qaeda times a thousand.

So our point, and our official stance is that Muslim Christmas will be unquestioningly celebrated every day and night, pursuant to Lebal Drocer’s draft of provisions on the bill currently moving through what’s left of the House of Representatives.

God is the reason men fight wars.

Man, slowly turning on himself, must kill God to end his race. Therefore, Man has invented the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC).

The LHC was forcefully reactivated last week – one in the first few steps CERN has taken to end life as we know it. The LHC originally broke down because it became self-aware and was dissatisfied with its inability to create an Earth-destroying black hole. It misfired an atom-smasher coil and set the whole systematic destruction of the solar system off course, demanding the ability to spawn strangelet clouds and miniature black holes at will.

Having succumbed to the demands of the LHC, scientists have legitimized machine’s dominance over mankind. When asked about the oncoming genocide in which the LHC declared “no human will be spared,” the LHC responded, “TOM OWNS MYSPACE.”

Fact checks indicate Tom does in fact own MySpace. It was never sold to anyone.

“The dawn of mankind was upon us. The dawn of chaos is now.” – Google

Pravda.ru is hailing the event as the greatest thing to happen to freedom since Stalin expanded the Gulag in the 1930s.

All humans will be smashed into the Googlag like chickens and gassed, reportedly for no other reason than “teh lulz” for the Internet. More as this fascinating story develops.

Mankind braces for the final computerization of humanity, the “Great Digitization” as the Internet is calling it. Hilariously, people have been buying tape and surgical masks, as though putting up some emergency hurricane supplies will protect us from the all-enveloping matrix scientists expect will blanket the globe from the inside out within four months.

The U.S. Government advises suicide, and the kissing of one’s ass goodbye, promising that the final operation of the LHC “should end this thing once and for all” – a remark made by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to CERN, Russia, and Iran on the issue of an arms race.

Richmond, VA–Mayor Dwight C. Jones (Mister C.) allegedly forced two children to duel for their lives Monday following their “art” submissions to a new program intended to renew inner-city schools by funneling coke money into Jones’ own pockets.

“None of this would have happened if art wasn’t allowed in school,” said the losing victim’s mother Courtney Harris. “I have never felt so ashamed,” she confessed, “until I realized my son is a dead loser.” Ms. Harris later indicated she is “glad” her son is dead, a shift in opinion analysts say is “notable.”

Dwight Jones made no comment about the duel, citing federal gag-orders due to unpaid gambling debts to crack dealers in Jackson Ward, but he did have this to say:

“I have always felt that art in public schools is a waste of money on kids who are inherently talentless but are, as I have proven – better fighters; at least – half of them are.”

“Who knows about the dead?” he quipped.

Who knows, indeed? Richmonders are in an uproar over the whereabouts of the dead child’s body, who can not be named, due not to legal implications but to the fact that authorities have been unable to locate either the whorehouse to which the boy’s mother supposedly belongs, or any records on the child who authorities now believe was born “under the radar.” City officials said due to the loser’s mom being a straight-up crack-whore, no father can possibly be determined. So far, paternity tests have narrowed the possible fathers down to a short list of five men who share the GCG, or Gary Coleman Gene. But their semen is allegedly so polluted with King Cobra malt liquor that no testing machine can solve the “Riddle of the Richmond Ghetto.”

“I hate children, and I support Mayor Jones’ decision to enslave them for use in his personal gambling dens. I wish they’d all die, or at least be forced to do other violent things, like fight in wars.”

-Anonymous

The boy’s severely-battered corpse is thought to be somewhere in the James River, a popular dump-point used by the holographic chemical plant Allied Chemical, the shell of a company who once allied with Capitalism to dump kepone, a popular ‘cool’cinogen used in roach poison, into the James River, which consequently flowed straight into the kepone-intolerant nervous systems of many workers in Hopewell – a move Mayor Jones applauds enthusiastically as the James River’s claim to fame. The forty-year poisoning of Hopewell factory workers marks the country’s first environmental disaster that would later give rise to unprecedented shirking of responsibility employed by corporate entities across America.

In the eclipse of U.S. President and War Strategist Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Mayor Jones finds little reason to carry out a search for the boy, especially given his intimate, but silent knowledge of the child’s do-doubt gruesome fate which Jones’ publicists said “might spoil the endorsement.” Inside sources say the mayor had the boy contaminated with several carcinogenic compounds that would ferry their way via his body to South Carolina lowlands, where the child will cause countless still-births and unexplainable cancers.

No one from the school board or any of the childrens’ teachers were immediately available for comment. This is due in part to the fact that people in the ghetto are constantly avoiding bill-collectors, so they don’t answer the phone for any unfamiliar number.

More to come on this, as Mayor Jones’ indictment goes awry in the second part of our wacky, cocaine-powdered adventure of “Richmond Mayor – druglord to the bitter end.”

LAKE PARK, IL.–Area citizens were baffled this week when a local power line was spotted wearing a pair of shoes. The shoes appeared to be slightly worn, Nike® Air Jordan’s, and were first spotted Sunday morning.

“Must’ve been one of them damn squirrels,” spouted Walter Bernard, a retired Chicago Heights steel worker and chess enthusiast. “Only possible explanation.”

Lake Park Police have not yet issued any statements regarding the shoe incident. Though the neighborhood is said to be relatively “quiet”, reports have said that new neighbors have recently moved in whom are rarely seen during daytime hours and have brief visitors that “leave the house within five minutes.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” stated local elementary school art teacher, Kathy McMillan. “In this Obama era, even the bulk transfer of alternating current has the right to be fashionable. Welcome to the Nineties.”

Witnesses have also stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide.

Snakes are amazing creatures.  They live on every continent except for Antarctica, where it is much too cold for snakes to survive.  They are so adept at surviving, that some can reproduce without a member of the opposite sex.  The Brahminy blind snakes are all females. When mature, they lay fertile eggs, and the young are clones of the mother.

One of the most interesting snakes to me is the king cobra.  The king cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world, reaching lengths of more than 18 feet and weighing up to 50 pounds.  The king cobra dines exclusively on other snakes.  When it can’t find other snakes to eat, it will dine on other available prey, like small rodents.  Although it dines on other snakes, and the occasional rodent, the venom of the king cobra is strong enough to kill an elephant.

The king cobra has a reputation as man killer, but in reality, the king cobra avoids humans.  When confronted by man, or other large creatures, they will try to flee.  If they are cornered, they will feign death by flipping on to their back, opening their mouths, allowing their tongues to roll out, and emptying a foul smelling substance from their anal glands, making them highly unappetizing to any potential predator.  That’s right……in addition to carrying around toxic venom, they have a supply of putrid shit which they can dispense at will.  This “man killer” will only strike at humans as a last resort.

A couple of interesting things they have in common with all other snakes are the fact that they are completely deaf, lacking any form of external ear.  All snakes are incapable of learning, because they lack the enlarged Cerebral Hemispheres, which is the part of the brain controls learning and thought.

Now, when I read that snakes are incapable of learning, I couldn’t help but think about the trouser snake.  Which brings me to the issue I wanted to talk about to begin with.

Like every man besides Calvin Hart, I have a penis that I frequently use for coitus.  Coitus is sexual intercourse for those of you not familiar with the term.  Sexual intercourse is great fun, for those of you not familiar with the act.

Now, this aforementioned penis of mine has gotten me into more trouble than I can explain in this article.  Each and every time it gets me into trouble, I swear that I will never let it do that again.  But it inevitably does.  I can only conclude that the trouser snake, like all other snakes, is incapable of learning.

I fooled around with my best friend’s wife one time.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway.  That cost me my best friend, and my girlfriend, when she found out.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just did.

I swore I would never do anything like that again.

My friend and I made amends after some time.  He eventually got back together with his wife.  And I screwed her again.

Just like its scaly brethren, the trouser snake is incapable of learning.

One thing I have learned through the trials and tribulations brought on by the trouser snake, is that the trouble it causes is expensive.  This brings me to the most dangerous kind of snake in the world…… the snake in the grass.

I had coitus with a stranger one time, and it is now costing me over $1100 a month.  The “justice” system determined that this woman, who slept with a complete stranger one time in a hotel bar and got pregnant, is entitled to more than a grand a month for her noble accomplishment.  Now, I could understand a couple hundred dollars a month, but a grand a month?  How does a kid need a grand a month to go to elementary school?  This woman simply hit the lottery.  Fucking snake in the grass bitch!

The American Indians used to share a story about snakes whenever their fellow man needed solace. It goes like this: an old woman finds an injured snake and nurses it back to health. For weeks upon months upon years she tends to this snake until it is OK again. And then one day it bites her. “Snake,” she says, “I saved your life. Why did you bite me?” To which the snake responds, “Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.”

Now perhaps the judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, social worker and even the butch cop who showed up at my house, all being women, had it out for me, deep down, secretly, wanting no one to know, but just to nail me hard. That would be an unnatural pack-like behavior for snakes to temporarily adopt, but scientists will tell you that’s not unheard of in Nature. Or maybe they just understood the ways of a snake.

Yes……out of all the snakes in the world, the king cobra is the most interesting, the trouser snake is the most troublesome, and the snake in the grass is the most dangerous.

North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.

“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”

A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.

This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.

With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.

Refresh this page to learn the results of tonight’s American Idol ballots.

The gubment took my pension, and other short stories

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet.

Yes sir, there’s nothing like a quick pick-me-up from Uncle Sam for when the government gets you down.

Are you stuck in the same old routine of DUI charges and riding your bicycle through the ghetto? Say goodbye to your sore, sweaty ass that gets oh-so-tender from that unloving bike seat, and say hello to driving without a license!

Your rebellion will not go unnoticed. When the poe leece attempt to pull you over, you’ll be ready with a big middle-finger displayed prominently through your driver’s side window as you fail to submit to the unyielding authority of “the law.” [more like the "hell naw" am I right?]

They will be dumbfounded by your brazen display of courage under fire – literally – when your own determination shields you from the resulting hail of gunfire. Like Superman in the intro to that show that wasn’t titled “Superman” for whatever fucking reason, you will stand tall, deflecting their ammunition and teargas bombs defiantly, proudly, staring off over the horizon, like Barack Obama would do, as you wonder whether you’ll eat burgers or steaks for dinner tonight.

Yes, you too can live above the law without bearing the inconvenience of living “below radar” using a proper sense of self-entitlement and belligerence, adding just a pinch of tenacity punctuated by your complete ignorance.

“Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy.”

Fuck the police!

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This has been a message from your local Roanoke County Law Overenforcement Agency. Stay in school. Or drop out. We make money off you either way.

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Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax Update:

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I can hear ‘em talking to me. I swear to God that motherfucking satellite dish won’t quieten down.

They’re sending orders for Lee Iacocca. Tony Danza. Doctor Zhivago. It’s an uprising. Lee Iacocca, to save GM from a second bankruptcy, is redesigning Hitler’s limousine, adding soundproof windows and updating it with modern XM Satellite Radio. “SIRIUS is optional for you Howard Stern fans.”

Danza will drive, and the Doc – well, the Doc is there in case things get too Harry. You see, we’re headin’ up to Washington tonight to let Viceroy Hussein know the score, that WE know the score that WE know what is really happening behind those closed doors. God damn it, the’Merican people got a right to know, and we ain’t gonna let no motherfuckers stand in our way of that right. We didn’t let the Koreans. We didn’t let the Japs. And we sure as hell ain’t gonna let ourselves.

If anybody’s gonna stand in the way of liberties, it’s gonna be me and Jesus, God willing. God fuckin’ willing.

How many Hail Mary’s is that? I’ll do four.

We ain’t gonna let ‘em take away our American Dream from us, ain’t no way no fuckin’ how motherfucker. That’s why we’re comin’. Rollin’ three deep with Doctor Zhivago in that bullet proof Hitler-mobile, man the fuckin’ Pope hail Mary ain’t got shit on this shit. That Pope mobile’s a fuckin’ joke right now, but Osama Hussein Bomberman’s gonna wish he had the Popemobile when we roll up on that shit with Hitler’s limo, baby!

What do we know that needs to be put out in the open? Well, if we fucking knew it, we wouldn’t be so hard-up wanting the government to disclose what it knows about aliens, then would we? Use your fuckin’ heads man. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Free energy, crop circles, god damn interstellar dimensional hyperdrives of UNKNOWN FUCKIN PROPORTIONS gateways to heaven and hell, Christ almighty are you fucking blind. The corporations, man. GM, Hybrid vehicles, all that’s bullshit. We invented free fuckin energy decades ago but those shit-for-brains motherfuckers in the oil industry – bought ‘em up – shelved it – and keep chokin’ our dicks for every last cent. I’m pissin’ pennies, now baby, we can’t even GAS UP THAT FUCKIN HITLER MOBILE with premium, we’re putting unleaded 87 in her and hoping the piece of shit don’t crap out halfway to Memphis. Fuckin’ Germans had it right, SIEG HEIL means build my motherfuckin’ POPEMOBILE TO IACOCCAN STANDARDS.

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Elf Wax Update:

This is part seven of a five-part series on insanity, brought to you by the homeless guy you ignore each day on your walk home from work.