Elf Wax political columnist, campaign trail correspondent, and celebrated Communist Kirill Milosevic died violently Friday in a clash with police during a peace riot.

Washington, DC – The 44th President of the United States of America died today from complications related to the Swine Flu. Barack Hussein Obama was 48 years old.

You and everyone you know will suffer and die in a terrible cataclysm!

Scientists have invented Life 2.0, and it’s going to kill you!

Peter Pan has died from either an accidental drug overdose or possibly a death ray fired by the CIA from a satellite.

CAHULAWASSEE, GA — A local man was found fatally wounded today after an apparent bludgeoning. The victim, whose name remains unreleased until the notification of kin, was found dead and freshly buried in the ground, wrapped in a blue tarp. Not much is known of the victim at the time of press, however, sources close to the [...]

Washington, D.C.–Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday. Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of a delirium so intense that President [...]

Roanoke, Va.–A Roanoke man savagely mutilated himself Friday while trying to prove to his ex-wife he was “still man enough to sexual role-play and use a skill saw naked.” Sources say he was attempting to sacrifice the family housecat to the love gods when things suddenly appeared very wrong. Tina Shrubman, a 46 year old [...]

This evening, a black hole instantly spawned inside our solar system. The event occurred so suddenly that scientists have not been able to determine its preconditions, but more presently, they are concerned with how humanity will go about tackling this catastrophic phenomenon of rapidly-impending doom. Two brave Elf Waxtronauts Commented Stan Stientenblauer, the Pentagon’s leading [...]

“It is so bad when someone pulls out a chainsaw during a coke deal.” This has been a message from James Galloway, guest reporter and Director of Stock Exchange Finance Reporting Values for Lebal Drocer, Elf Wax Times and Global Indexing Averaging Firms.