The Elf Wax Times

WORLD GETS BACK TO DISREGARDING HOCKEY OLYMPICS 2010: VANCOUVER LUGE COURSE FOUND "TOO INTENSE" FOR GEORGIAN ATHLETES SARAH PALIN RENOUNCES RELIGION, OPENS HAND FOR STRENGTH SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCE VALENTINE'S DAY IS 'DEPRESSING' UPSTART YOUR OWN CCCP! LEBAL DROCER SCRAMBLES TO COVER UP MULTINATIONAL HEALTH DISASTER DICK CHENEY: HAITI CRISIS 'BROUGHT ON BY FLAGRANT NON-AMERICANISM' WOMEN MEASURE LOVE BY ITS DESTRUCTION VICTIM IN MILEY CYRUS BUS CRASH TRAGICALLY NOT MILEY CYRUS DEBUT ROCK BAND WHO NEVER PLAYS SHOWS ENJOYS CULT FOLLOWING OF SILENCE FANS INTERNET COLLAPSES INTO "BLACK HOLE OF PORN" NASA UNVEILS NEW PLAN TO STAY ON EARTH FOREVER, ENTITLED "WAR" AXL ROSE SEEKS WIFE WHO 'ENJOYS BEATINGS, ANAL RAPE' 90% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT HAS THEIR 'BEST INTERESTS IN MIND' THE SKY, IT CALLS TO US, IF WE DO NOT DESTROY OURSELVES BOB DYLAN FALLS ON HARD TIMES: NOW SELLING PEPSI IT IS NO LONGER SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO YELL OUT 'PARTY FOUL' RUSSIA AND U.S. AGREE: NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST 'ONLY WAY OUT' KEITH RICHARDS 'STILL ALIVE' AT AGE 65 NO, YOU CAN NOT BUM A CIG AMERICAN VOTERS DISCOVER 'EVEN BLACK' PRESIDENTS ARE CORRUPT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF NON-AMERICANS THOUGHT TO BE 'IMMIGRATION THREAT' LOCAL RADIO STATION FAILS TO GET THE LED OUT FOLLOWING TWO-FOR-TUESDAYS LETDOWN SOME WOMEN NEVER LEARN GOD TO 'CONSIDER MAN'S INPUT' FOR NEXT GENESIS LIGHTNING STUDY SHOWS 98% OF AMERICANS ARE 'GROSSLY UNDER-PATRIOTIC' WAR ON DRUGS OVER: FBI WINS NANCY GRACE RATED MOST-WATCHED, ONLY NIGHTTIME SHOCK-TV SERIES PRAVDA.RU BORROWS ELF WAX TIMES REPORTING TACTICS, SOARS TO SUCCESS BARACK OBAMA LEAVES GOLF TO FIX MARRIAGE UNEMPLOYMENT AMONG VAGRANTS PLATEAUS AT 100% RICHMOND, VA DECLARED 'WORLD'S MOST IRRELEVANT CITY' 70% OF ELF WAX TIMES VIEWERS REPORT THE SITE IS 'SAFE, READABLE' LITTLE CAESAR'S PIZZA DISCOVERED TO CONTAIN 'NO FOOD-LIKE SUBSTANCES' TAMIFLU-RESISTANT STRAIN OF SWINE FLU CONFIRMS INTELLIGENT DESIGN THEORIES

About

Cuthbert, Ga. - Elf Wax Times HQ

Hello, and welcome to The Elf Wax Times. We’re dedicated to bringing you hard-hitting journalism with a hint of truth and a wall of charisma that will leave you with a slight tingly feeling. In your junk. Seriously, though. Everything we write here is the truth, and if you happen to think otherwise, please bear in mind that the world we live in is a lie and given that, we do a fantastic job of objectively reporting it back to you.

Does our name sound familiar? You probably recognize it in connection with the Oklahoma City Bombing. We were the first on the scene to interview the scorched man who was blown across the street while remaining in a computer chair throughout his impressive 75-yard trajectory. Pat PeTrisha, The hard-hitting award-winning journalist who reported on that story is no longer with us. S/he had a sex-change and moved to Roanoke, Va., gay Mecca of the East Coast, where s/he spends most of his/her time reading Danielle Steel novels and rummaging through people’s trash. Our thoughts and our prayers go out to you, Pat.

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How the site works:

The Elf Wax Times is powered by state-of-the-art software (known from this point foreward as LebalSoft) created, designed and distibuted by the unerring Lebal Drocer, Incorporated (LLC).

Lebalsoft

They will never let you down again.

LebalSoft is so powerful, it draws upon the combined efforts of three or four Pentium III Dell computers. They are stacked on top of each other in a dark closet in the back of our uppermost trailer (pictured, top). Ordinarily, smooth operation of The Elf Wax Times should necessitate just one, not four computers, but due to limited hard drive space inside each PC (recovered legally), LebalSoft requires the functionality of at most 14 available GB of space, or soemthing. That’s how good it is.

Also, due to the maddening isolation of The Elf Wax Times’ headquarters, a dangerously toxic satellite uplink dish is required to beam truth far into space, into a high-orbiting solar-powered satellite, which bounces a similar version of the truth back down to you all, making a pit-stop at the NSA SuperComputer on the way to your noggins.

Click here for more information on the Elf Wax Times and how this publication operates.

Fun trivia: If you put your hand inside the radiation field generated by the Official Elf Wax Times Satellite Uplink Dish, your skin and bones will be microwaved unevenly. Instead, try a George Foreman grill!